One Year

      It was brought to my attention this morning that it has been one year since I lost my sweet baby and almost died. (I thought it was tomorrow. Fail.)
     I have been thinking about this day all week, actually, and didn't have any plans in mind as to how to spend it other than to take it as it came (and I was hoping to give blood, but am not well enough at the moment). I feel as though I have spent the majority of my grieving over the last year about myself and the loss of my fertility. But today, it suddenly seems to matter so much less, and I am able to focus on the loss of our sweet angel(s) more acutely. As today passed, I realized it might be helpful for us all to have a tradition to maintain the memories of our lost angels, and to prevent the story from fading into the background. It is a defining part of me now, and I don't want to forget it, though it is painful. I want our family to honour their lost siblings, and I don't want to 'hide' miscarriage. It is a very real and prevalent issue, though seldom discussed. I wish I had thought it through more before today and come up with something meaningful to commemorate our babies. On their due date we lit two candles, and I will probably continue to do that, but I would like to do something a little more, today. For now I have thought of making a wreath with our memorabilia to hang on the front door for the duration of the time I was pregnant with them (first week of October until week of December 13th), or it has been suggested to me to make an angel for the top of our tree to symbolize their spiritual status. Ideally I was hoping for something active that we could all participate in each year, though. I plan to donate blood every year now on (or around) this day (and probably more in between, since I have a pretty big debt to pay back to the donor bank), but again, that's not something we can do as a family. I'm taking suggestions...

Laura-isms II

~ Summer 2013 ~

• "That's a dead end! If we go down there we might die!" said Laura when we were out for a family bike ride.
  
• Laura had been complaining her foot was hurting her on and off throughout the day. At bedtime she said it was still hurting. I asked her where it was hurting; she said the whole thing. I asked her, "What kind of hurting is it?" She said, "A tiger."
  
• Laura's current favourite book is A Fish Out of Water. She likes to have it read to her almost daily, and she likes to sit and flip through the pages, retelling as many details as she can remember. Today she was flipping through it and on the page where the boy feeds the fish all the food in the box, she muses, "Mom... did you guys do that to Willow?"
  
• Laura crawled into bed with us one morning and was examining some pajama pants in Josh's drawer of his bedside table. She says, "Hey - there's some letters on your pants! It says 'pants'!" (She was referring to the label, which said 'Old Navy'.)
  
• Playing outside, Laura is investigating the sap on the pine tree. Josh takes her in to wash her hands. She comes back out and says, "Mommy, I'm not going to get that peanut butter on my hands anymore."

 ~ Spring 2013 ~

• While coming back from the store (where we bought chocolate), Laura says, "I want some chocolate!" I reply, "Well, we are going home to make dinner, so maybe you can have one after that."
  "I'm going to spill my dinner out of my bowl all over the floor - then I can have a chocolate. Does that sound like a good deal?"
  
• While talking about the giant from Jack and the Beanstalk, Laura says, "Fee Fi Fo Fum! I smell the bum of a boy!"
  
• Laura, would you like a cheese bun?" "Yes! I love cheese bums!"
  
• Laura started gymnastics, and her coach was a man who was bald. When we were at Easter dinner, we were telling everyone about Laura's new lessons, and she said, "Yeah, and my teacher has a ball on him head!"
  
• Daddy was walking Laura on the ceiling and told her she was kinda like Spiderman. When he put her down, she farted and said, "Oops, Spiderman pooped a little."
  
• While at the grocery store, Laura was banished to the car for repeatedly bugging her sister. A lady we knew at the store gave Laura an apple on the way out, so she sat in the car with Josh and ate her apple. When I came out with the groceries, Josh opened Laura's door to put them in the car, and she dropped (/ threw?) her half-eaten apple on the ground. She then proceeded to whine incessantly about how she wanted her apple back. Josh said, "Well then, you shouldn't have thrown it out the door!" To which she replied, "Well then, you shouldn't have opened the door!"
  
• "I'm a bird! COCK COCK COCK!"

~ Winter 2013 ~

• After tripping over Chester and crashing to the floor, Laura shed some tears. Shortly after, she decided she wanted another bite of her breakfast and said, drying her eyes, "I don't want these drips anymore."
  
• After Laura uses the toilet, I often remark, "P. U.!" (as in it stinks). Today I came in when she was done, and she replied, "P. Me!"
  
• While stalling at bedtime, Laura asks Daddy, "What's that?" pointing to some mundane thing in her room that she obviously knew what it was. Daddy obliges and answers her anyway. Laura again asks, "What's that?" about something else she obviously knows. Daddy replies. Laura asks, "What's... everything in the house?" 
  
• When we were driving past the pool one day, Laura said, "Remember when we went swimming there with Daddy and Rachel and you? I was wearing a baby suit, and you were wearing a mommy suit, and Daddy had a daddy suit!"
  
• I want to dress up like a fire human!
  
• Me: Wow, Laura, that's a big poop!
  Laura: It's like a crocodile!
  
• Laura, on the way to the in-laws for Christmas (a 5-hour drive): "I'm full of driving"
  (to be fair, we had been in the car about 4.5 hours by that point)

What Happened to PB&J?

Remember the good old days when kids just ate simple things like peanut butter and jam sandwiches? Sigh.

     We are in the midst of the picky-eating toddler antics right now, but part of me is not convinced that it is merely due to pickiness. Rachel has always been my great eater, but for the past several months she has been seemingly inexplicably fussy. At first I thought it was just due to teething, and it may have been that, in part. But more and more I am wondering if the foods she eats are playing a role in her seeming personality change. She was such an easygoing baby, but since she turned a year she has been much less easy going. We already know she cannot tolerate milk (but other dairy products seem less bothersome) and if she eats processed tomato products (spaghetti sauce, etc) she wakes up and screams for hours on end during the night. I mentioned my concerns at Rachel's 18 month check up this week, but our doctor just said to not give her things that seem to upset her and the rest is probably just her being picky. Not being completely satisfied with that, I followed up with our naturopath today. She said they don't usually test for food allergies/ intolerances in children younger than two, but set us up with an elimination diet to see if Rachel felt any better.
So, for the next three weeks, Rachel will not be having dairy products of any kind, gluten, corn, eggs, or any of the nightshades: tomato, potato, eggplant, or peppers. Doesn't leave us with a whole lot.

Tonight I made homemade granola bars and also chia pudding. Hoping she enjoys them when she tries them in the morning. :)

Picky toddler Laura got a whole host of creative concoctions, as well, but with much less stipulations. The only stipulation with her was: more calories! I found this list of things I used to make for Laura saved, and thought it was interesting how it compared. :)

• smoked corn & roasted sweet potato puree
• sweet beet pancakes with honey cream cheese
• homemade granola with organic yogurt
• barbecued chicken pureed with cream cheese and salsa
• creamy garlic seafood puree
• cedar-roasted salmon pureed with cream cheese
• avocado & mango pureed with lime 
• roasted peach & butternut squash pureed with cinnamon
• steamed salmon & asparagus pureed with hollandaise sauce
• mashed potato & squash with coconut milk
• watermelon sorbet

     Rachel could probably only eat about two or three of the things off this list.

I'm hoping we get some answers from this elimination diet, and I hope that Rachel really isn't in chronic pain from the current foods she eats. It's so hard to tell when she doesn't have the language to tell us what's going on. :/

Rachel: 16 - 18 Months

By 16 months:

• she has a very good receptive vocabulary
• had her first night without mom and dad while we were at my cousin's wedding
• becoming a picky-eating toddler, doesn't like to eat much for dinner anymore
• she has developed quite a mind of her own! The tantrums!
• we have weaned her off of bottle-to-sleep. She gets a bottle after dinner, but not in her bed with her.
• she is obsessed with picking things up and/or carrying things around, the bathroom/ kitchen stools mostly. Then when she puts them down they end up on her toes and she cries.
• she has found a love for SHOES!

By 17 months:

• says 'NO' to EVERY question she is asked
• she's got the beats! she loves to dance/ bop along to EVERYTHING, including the beeping of the oven at Timmies
• she has been teething quite a bit, and now molars have made for a very grumpy Rachel!
• she brings me a book and climbs on my lap
• really communicating well with (single) words (down, done, etc)
• has finally been weaned off of formula, but seems to have an intolerance to cow's milk, so she gets an almond and coconut milk blend now.
• has learned to play peekaboo in the curtains
• she has started playing with Laura
• realized object permanence of my boobs and goes looking for them in my shirt
  (given the rocky nature of our breastfeeding relationship, I secretly love that she is seeking them out)
• dropped bedtime nursing. We're working on having milk with dinner instead of at bedtime. Generally only nursing in the morning and at nap time now.
• has over 60 words, but is starting to repeat back pretty much everything we say now.
• finally has beginnings of a relationship with a lovey - her pink blanket knitted by Aunt Judy :)

by 18 months:

• we took the side off her crib to make it into a toddler bed for fear that she would climb/ fall out.
• she has become a grazer. She hates dinner and seems to rely on her nightly bottle to fill her up in the evenings. :/
• loves cleaning up :). She even makes messes just so she can clean them up.
• calls Josh by name hahaha
• uses three- and four-word sentences to communicate her wishes.
• swims on her own with water wings! She also really loves the water slide at the pool, as soon as we get to the bottom she demands "gain! gain!"
•  developed a love for stacking cups/ toys. I've never seen her focus for so long on one activity.
•  I think she might be ready for potty training, physically, at least. We are going to give it a go next time we have three days in a row at home, and see if she takes. 
• she nurses only 1 or 2 times a day. But since dropping other feedings she has become much more interested in her morning feed (also probably because she is starving since she never eats her dinner), and all but throws herself at me when I come in in the morning. We have taken to nursing on the floor because she is getting too big/ wiggly for my lap. I am so happy we made it to my (revised) goal after we struggled so long. I would still love to make it until 2 with her, but we will take it one day at a time. Right now, I am very happy with our accomplishment. 

Can't believe we have a little toddler now!

Happy Hallowe'en!

      A month or two ago, I asked Laura what she wanted to be for Halloween this year. She immediately replied, "Peter Pan!" Okay, easy enough! And we already had a Tinkerbell costume my mom had made for Laura when she was two, so that would be an easy fix for Rachel. I was even pretty sure I could convince Josh to dress up like Hook to take them trick or treating. :)
     We made a trip to the thrift store earlier this month and got a green shirt to cut up for Laura, some green pants that I took in to make into leggings (couldn't find any already-made green leggings), and a red robe and pirate hat for Josh. I also bought some green felt to make a hat for Laura and some feathers. I had to take in Rachel's Tinkerbell get up a bit since it was size ~24 months, but other than that, this year's costumes weren't too much work.
      We spent some time 'afterschooling' about pumpkins and Halloween this week and last, and also borrowed several Halloween-y books from the library. We made hand print spiders and foot print ghosts on a crafty play date, and used them to complete our decorations. Rachel really enjoyed making them and kept asking to do more.

      Instead of doing the whole day trip to the farm with all the wagon rides, etc, we opted just to go to the market and pick some out. This past weekend it was a bit rainy and cold, and we are all already sick, so it didn't seem worth the money and effort to spend the whole day at the farm to get pumpkins, even though we really enjoyed ourselves doing that last year. We'll try again next year. The girls had fun picking out their pumpkins at the market, anyway, and still got to do a few fun things there. I always like to coordinate our pumpkin carving to match our costume theme, because I'm Type A, so this year I wanted to do Peter Pan and Tinkerbell pumpkins. Laura also decided she wanted to make a 'Bogey Bill' pumpkin (a goblin from a story we had been reading).
     Yesterday evening we had Josh's friend over for our pumpkin carving evening. We spent a good four hours with our three pumpkins, and watched 'It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown".

The girls' picks

I thought it would be cool to try a different technique this year, so instead of a Peter Pan portrait, we opted for Peter and the Darling children on the Big Ben clock on their way to Never Land. Josh, as usual, did a great job, IMO. :)

We also did a Tinkerbell

And, of course, Laura's Bogey Bill

And here are the photos of our adorable little trick or treaters this year! <3

Peter Pan

Tinkerbell

Peter Pan fighting Hook

Spent the rainy afternoon today making this ship to go over the wagon for something to do

Laura and Rachel's friends joined us for trick or treating
Peter Pan, Princess Lady Bug, Cow, and Tinkerbell

     It was really fun seeing how into Halloween Rachel was this year. From the crafts, to cleaning out pumpkins, to posing for pictures, to handing out treats, to trick or treating and eating her treats! It's all so novel when you are one. Laura enjoyed it, too, of course, but Rachel was especially into everything, and it's just so neat seeing it through new eyes again. :)

Happy Hallowe'en!

A Halloweeny Tale

     Tonight in the car on the way home from my mom's, Laura and I made up a story, as we do from time to time. I have always meant to write them down, because I think they are awesome, so I am doing that now. :) (Plot points written in purple were Laura's contributions.)

      Once upon a time there was a boy named John. He loved Halloween. He loved dressing up, he loved trick or treating and seeing all the houses decorated, and he loved getting candy! One day a few days before Halloween, John heard some older boys talking after school about a spooky spot in the woods that they wanted to visit on Halloween. Since John loved Halloween so much, he thought that sounded fun and secretly wanted to tag along. On the day of Halloween, John decided to sneakily follow the older boys home from school so he could then follow them into the forest. He sat behind a bush on their lawn after school, waiting and waiting for them to go into the woods. Finally they came out when it was starting to get dark out and John followed them into the woods. He hid behind trees and kept himself unnoticed. They walked and walked until they got to a spooky old house in the middle of the woods. All of the boys went into the house and John followed. Then the door closed behind them - all by itself. It was very dusty and full of cobwebs, and all around very creepy. Suddenly something crashed through the ceiling! It was a small man with grey skin and pointy ears named Bogey Bill! The boys were so scared they all ran out of the house screaming and screaming, running all the way back to the edge of the woods. It was only then that they noticed John was with them. "Who are you?" they asked. He told them his name was John. They asked him where he came from, and he told them that he had followed them into the woods because he wanted to see the spooky place. They were all so scared by their experience they decided not to go out trick or treating that night. Instead they called the Ghostbusters. They explained to them what happened and the Ghostbusters agreed to come and check it out. When they arrived at the boys' house, the boys told them the way to get to the spooky abandoned house in the forest. The Ghostbusters did not think they would be able to find their way as it was completely dark out by now. They boys did not want to go with the Ghostbusters because they were too scared! But, they had to go with them, so they all went into the spooky woods, with only one flashlight between them all and it was very scary. The flashlight cast shadows behind the trees, and as they were walking, the boys heard a 'pssssshhhh' sound. It frightened them and they asked the Ghostbusters if they heard it. They didn't. A few minutes later they heard it again. They were discussing with the Ghostbusters whether or not they heard it this time when all of a sudden the goblin popped down from a tree right in front of them, "BBBBBLLLLEEEEHHHHHHH!" They were all startled and very scared, but the Ghostbusters quickly sucked Bogey Bill up into their backpacks. They decided to continue on and check out the spooky house still in case there were any more. When they went in, they found four more goblins! The Ghostbusters quickly sucked them all up. They finally thought they had them all, until they tried to leave. They found one more goblin who had cast a spell on the house that locked all the doors and windows, trapping all the boys and the Ghostbusters inside! There was no way out! The Ghostbusters quickly thought to climb out the hole in the ceiling and climbed down some rocks at the back of the house. They made their way back out of the woods, but there were still two more goblins loose in the woods!
* at this point, Laura pretty much took over the story and it stopped making much sense, so I will just choose my favourite from the several endings she provided*
The Ghostbusters then found a boy named Tico, from Emporer ['s New Groove], and he was so scared by the goblins that he cried, so they picked him up and rocked him and sang 'Baby Mine'.THE END.

Little Miss Independence

    Laura has been making leaps and bounds in the last while in doing things for herself. She started by taking initiative in feeding herself more often in the last few months, and has gradually been doing more and more. All summer she has been able to open the door and let herself outside. This also means she can let the dogs in and out. Luckily, she knows that she and they are not to go out front, and generally would just open the door to the (fully fenced) back yard to play. She can put on/ take off most of her own shoes now, and takes off her coat (zippers, snaps, or velcro) by herself, as well. She is now happy to use the washroom on her own, although we still have to help from time to time. She has also recently started getting her own vitamin in the morning. This alarmed me at first that she could even open the supposedly child proof bottle, but she has been well conditioned that she is only allowed one vitamin per day, so didn't indulge in more. (They are put up now.) This past week she has been studiously practicing using the entertainment unit. She can turn on the whole thing, turn on the DVD player, put in a movie, and get it playing if the TV is on the right input. Today, she even got a clean sippy cup and matching lid out of the dishwasher, pulled a stool up to the counter, filled the cup with water, and screwed the lid on for herself. And then, because it was so fun, she drank it all and did it again. So, yay, right?

     Not quite.

     I was laying in bed this evening feeling rather hit-by-a-truck while Josh was cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. Laura was OCDing with the entertainment unit again. Then I heard her say, "My foot hurts, I'm going to get some medicine." We have all been fighting some kind of nasty cold this week, and Laura has had the worst of it. Her Tylenol has been living on the bathroom counter. She came upstairs to the bathroom, and lo and behold, poured herself some medicine. I was completely unaware that she was capable of this, but I heard her slurping the last of it out of the medicine dispenser cup. This was when I realized that, OMG she can actually open the bottle and do this for herself now! I jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. There were sticky remains of medicine in the cup, and a little slopped on the counter. "Laura!! Did you just drink some medicine?"
"Yes."
"Josh!! Laura just drank medicine!"
*Josh runs upstairs*
"How much did you drink?"
"Two."
*... confusion about what exactly she means by 'two'*
We try to get it out of her whether she poured two cups to drink, or if she was just arbitrarily assigning random quantities. The medicine cup held up to 15mL of fluid, and the 100mL bottle that, last we could remember, was a little over half full now appeared to be only about a quarter full. So, from what I can gather, she had a maximum of about 25 - 30mL. Honestly, I don't think she had that much, though. Either way, however, I am pretty sure she definitely had more than the recommended 5mL dose for her age/ weight. Ugh. So we called Dr. Father-In-Law, who seemed to think it was dire that she possibly had 5-6 times her recommended dosage, and suggested calling Poison Control and possibly taking her the hospital to have her stomach pumped. Josh then called Poison Control, who were significantly calmer about it. They said that they would only consider taking her to the hospital if she had upwards of 50mL, and that we should just give her lots to drink and no more Tylenol in the next 24 hours. So, we forced about 400mL of liquids into her, made her eat the rest of her dinner to hopefully absorb some of it/ lessen the effects, and are hoping for the best. Ugh. Kids.