One Year

      It was brought to my attention this morning that it has been one year since I lost my sweet baby and almost died. (I thought it was tomorrow. Fail.)
     I have been thinking about this day all week, actually, and didn't have any plans in mind as to how to spend it other than to take it as it came (and I was hoping to give blood, but am not well enough at the moment). I feel as though I have spent the majority of my grieving over the last year about myself and the loss of my fertility. But today, it suddenly seems to matter so much less, and I am able to focus on the loss of our sweet angel(s) more acutely. As today passed, I realized it might be helpful for us all to have a tradition to maintain the memories of our lost angels, and to prevent the story from fading into the background. It is a defining part of me now, and I don't want to forget it, though it is painful. I want our family to honour their lost siblings, and I don't want to 'hide' miscarriage. It is a very real and prevalent issue, though seldom discussed. I wish I had thought it through more before today and come up with something meaningful to commemorate our babies. On their due date we lit two candles, and I will probably continue to do that, but I would like to do something a little more, today. For now I have thought of making a wreath with our memorabilia to hang on the front door for the duration of the time I was pregnant with them (first week of October until week of December 13th), or it has been suggested to me to make an angel for the top of our tree to symbolize their spiritual status. Ideally I was hoping for something active that we could all participate in each year, though. I plan to donate blood every year now on (or around) this day (and probably more in between, since I have a pretty big debt to pay back to the donor bank), but again, that's not something we can do as a family. I'm taking suggestions...