Grief

  
     Yes, it's the beginning of a new year, and I should be happy for a fresh start. And I am. But also, I've been getting that sick feeling in my stomach again lately. You know, the one you get when you realize your kiddos are growing up way faster than you'd like? And it's especially heart wrenching now that I know I can't/ won't be having any more babies.

     My biggest trigger currently is that every time I walk into the nursery I notice that we've lowered the crib mattress down to the lowest setting in the crib. Odd, I know... but it's just one step closer to being done with the crib. Forever. And just writing that brings tears to my eyes.
     Rache is such a sweet baby, and I wish she could be my baby forever... or at least a really long time. Much longer than regular life would allow, at any rate. She seems to have grown with leaps and bounds the last month or so. She is pretty much crawling, albeit clumsily, but that too will pass far more quickly than I'd care for, I'm sure. She can support herself standing up, and is learning to wield a spoon. She is developing such a little personality on her, too. She is ever increasing her ability to make her needs/ wishes known, and has become much more interactive, laughing at jokes and games we play, etc.

     Laura too has had the ill-making effect on me. She has been quite lovely since I've been home from the hospital (growing out of the terrible twos? fingers crossed!), and nearly every day comes out with a great one-liner. One day over the holidays I was helping her use the facilities, and remarked at how big her 'product' was. She replied, "It's like a crocodile!" Priceless. I'm really enjoying her right now. While we were away over the holidays, she slept in a few different beds, and I couldn't help but notice that she didn't seem in danger of falling out anymore. So when we got home we took the guard rail off her bed and haven't had any problems. I think she is also in the middle of a growth spurt: eating like crazy, and growing out of pants like there's no tomorrow. I'm concerned she might blow by 2T all together.

     All things considered, I think I've been fairing pretty well emotionally so far, but maybe now that the busyness of Christmas is over, and we've had a few days to settle down, it is finally hitting me: I still don't feel as though our family is complete. There's nothing quite like having your baby-growing organs removed to make you realize how over the moon you are about being able to have your own children... but I still feel a void. I have had three beautiful people offer their surrogacy services, but, unless we win the lottery (like $50K +), I can't foresee that happening for us.
     Of course there are the menial benefits, like the fact that our house only has three bedrooms and much better suits a family of four rather than five (and ditto for our car.... and the world, in general, really), financially it will be much easier to have two than three children, I feel like I will be able to keep up with my quality of parenting, et cetera, et cetera. But none of those things fill the hole in my heart. Sigh.