Mommy Guilt

    When I became a mom, I was unaware of the guilt that would plague me for what I can only assume will be the rest of my life. Am I choosing the right parenting tactics? Do I make enough effort to foster Laura's interests? Is being a Stay At Home Mom really the best for Laura, or am I doing it for the wrong reasons? It is amazing all of the little things you can over-analyze about and worry over when you put your mind to it.
   
     And then I got pregnant. And then I found out there is a whole new level of Mommy Guilt.
    
     My sister and I are 4.5 years apart, and I found that age difference to be very hard. Now, mind you, some people have siblings that far apart (and farther) and still have fabulous relationships, but my sister and I were not really what you would call "friends" when we were little. We fought a lot, and I picked on her. That is not what I wanted for my family. Perhaps I am making assumptions under false pretenses here, as I'm sure factors affecting siblings' abilities to get along vary far more than the age gap between them, but I figured having our children closer together might help at least little. So, really, I did have Laura in mind when planning the whole thing.
     However, one of the first problems we've encountered is that I am still nursing Laura a few times a day, and as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I noticed her getting frustrated with the whole process. She seemed impatient and insatiable, constantly asking to nurse. This led me to believe that my milk supply had taken a hit, which is not uncommon. So I did some research to see what I could do to help. What I turned up with was.... nothing. Pregnancy Rules are very restrictive, so even the herbal remedies commonly suggested to help increase milk production in lactating mothers are prohibited. The only thing my doctor recommended was letting her nurse more to biologically stimulate my body. But she is 19 months old. I don't want to nurse her the 100 times a day she asks for it anymore. So, we kind of just struggled on with it, doing the best we could and trying to find a balance we were both happy with.
     Enter Morning Sickness.
     At about 5 - 5.5 weeks, Morning Sickness reared its ugly head. Food became less and less appetizing, and accordingly, I began to eat less and less. This pregnancy has been eerily similar to my pregnancy with Laura so far, so much that I think I might be having her twin. I have had pretty much the same food aversions, same Morning-Sickness-at-dinner-time, and generally have felt the same level of nausea (although Josh remembers it differently). I lost 10 pounds in the first trimester with Laura, and so far I have lost 4 pounds at 8 weeks. I was whining to my mom yesterday about how crappy I was feeling, and we were also discussing my guilt, and she pointed out that the hit my milk supply has taken is probably more so due to my newfound crappy eating habits than the pregnancy. And I think she was right. After the first little dip, things seemed to be okay again for a few weeks, but then I hadn't been eating much/ well, and I noticed Laura had become re-frustrated. So, starting today, I vowed that I would at least try to eat a reasonable amount of food, if not only so I could maintain enough milk to keep my little nursling happy. She didn't ask for any of this, and I don't find it fair to her that she is suffering because of it.
     Guilt Trip Number Two consists of my energy level. It's pretty low. I need naps + Laura thinking she doesn't need naps = incompatible. One day early on I could not physically stay awake anymore, and she was refusing to go to sleep, so my patience ran out and I just had to let her cry for the duration of my nap - about half an hour. :( The worst part is, I have been having an awful time sleeping at night, which is when Laura actually sleeps, and I should be too. I will wake up and not be able to get back to sleep for an hour. Sometimes multiple times a night. That makes for a tired mommy in the morning who does not want to play, but would rather lounge lazily on the couch, while letting Laura watch movies. Uggghhh. Just typing that sentence has sent a new wave of guilt awash over me. The other morning I actually fell asleep on the couch and Laura went upstairs and got into something and cut her finger (it wasn't bleeding, so not too bad, but obviously could have been much worse). So, not only am I being a bad, unstimulating, and unsupervising mommy, I am also allowing her to watch mind-numbing television for far too much of the day. But it's so easy - she likes it, and I get to rest... it seems like a good compromise, except it's not. Because of the guilt. And the brain damage I am probably doing to her. And it's not even like she is watching shows like Sesame Street that I can pass off as 'educational', no, recently she has somehow become completely and utterly infatuated with Winnie the Pooh. We have watched it so many times that Daddy finally put a ban on us using Youtube to watch it anymore on account of our bandwidth and downloaded us a copy to my hard drive. 
     So there's that.
     And then there is also the uncleanliness of my house, and the general lack of chore-doing on my part. This guilt item is not specifically pertaining to Laura, but the members of my household in general. When Josh and I were married we divided up the chores between us. For the last few weeks, I have been sorely lacking on my half, which means he has had to compensate. He has fed Laura her (pureed and therefore barf-worthy) dinner every day for the last three weeks. He has had to fend for himself for dinner for most of those nights, too, and Josh doesn't cook. His culinary skills end at turning on the oven and throwing in some frozen chicken fingers and fries. So neither of us have been eating particularly well for a while now. And the rest of the cleaning just hasn't been getting done: there is a fearsome ring in our bathtub, the toilet could use a good scrub, and a large mountain of laundry has accumulated and needs to be put away (at least it's clean), to mention a few. If anyone knows of a free maid, please send them on over.
     So, on top of all that, I feel a small amount of guilt over being less excited about this pregnancy than I was with the first two pregnancies. I mean, it was well-planned and I was completely and utterly ecstatic about it for the first few days after I found out, but I am having a hard time maintaining my excitement level through all of our toils. And most days I don't even remember that there is a kidney bean-sized parasite growing inside of me causing all of this. Then I feel bad, because I'm pretty sure I thought about Laura every day I was pregnant with her.
     The good news is that this trimester won't last forever. Eventually food will resume its appeal, eventually sleep will (hopefully) stop escaping me at night and stop being necessary through the day, eventually I will have enough energy to clean my house again (if it hasn't imploded on itself by then), and eventually this little kidney bean will be big enough to kick me every day and remind me to send love its way <3.