The Empty Frame

    I have had these three frames for almost 7 years, always with the intention of filling them each with a collage of photos of the three babies I had always dreamed about. Laura's and Rachel's are happily filled in with photos from their respective first years, and are displayed proudly in our living room... but the last one remains empty.

    The past few days I have been really struggling with the whole surrogacy issue. My dream of having three children refuses to be extinguished, and comes rushing back to the forefront when news like the new liberal budget includes funding a round of IVF for all infertile couples is revealed. I had even had a realistic offer from someone to carry for us, so of course I couldn't help but get my hopes up.
   Turns out that surrogate won't work out for us, and even more painful, Josh is not sure about the whole idea still. It is becoming a sore spot for us. I feel unsupported in achieving my dreams, and he feels overwhelmed. It's hard to find a compromise or middle ground.

Rant: Where is the Compassion?

A two-part rant tonight, stemming from a common theme:

The first is regarding a series of comments on an article about giving birth/ postpartum. One of the comments grabbed my attention:

Take the drugs! Have a c-section! Just kidding...I had no choice in either of these things...remember it's not the birth...it's the end result, a healthy baby.

And while everyone loves a healthy baby, I had to argue that a healthy baby is not the only important outcome of birth. Normally I never engage in 'comment wars' on facebook, but I was in a bad mood and particularly irritated by this comment, so I replied.

Actually, the birth matters a lot. It is a very momentous and formative experience for the mother, especially. If your birth doesn't go the way you had planned/ hoped, allow yourself your feelings.

This is an especially touchy subject for me because of my history of unwanted C-sections and where that led me. I presume it was a touchy subject for this woman, as well, since her response was:

 I disagree...Nothing goes as planned...for the rest of your life! Except it and get over it that's my 2 cents. I did all my grieving the 4 years it took us to get pregnant and had a very complicated pregnancy (understatement) and a premature baby after my month long stay at RVH...trust me...at the end of the day all that really matters is your healty baby and not how he/she got here, but that THEY ARE HERE, PERIOD...not everyone is even this lucky. 

 I'm sorry you had such a hard experience, but I do not believe telling people what they are and are not allowed to feel is acceptable.
Many women's postpartum depression stems from a negative birth experience and because the majority of society tells them to 'suck it up, your baby arrived safely', essentially, it worsens the issue. Swallowing your feelings has never helped anyone.
Of course people should celebrate the fact that their baby arrived safely, I am not disputing that, and I am not saying you should dwell on your negative birth experience either. But acknowledging that you are upset about it and having people accept that goes a long way towards a mentally healthy mother.

After this, I was accused of giving unsolicited advice.
In no way was this advice, I was merely trying to speak up and advocate for mothers' postpartum mental health. My doctor said the same thing to me after my C-sections: "Well, the end goal is a healthy baby." And while I'm sure many people who say this are trying to help you feel better/ see the positive, I really felt invalidated by this comment. It is completely possible to still be elated about your child arriving safely, while simultaneously feeling disappointed and cheated out of the birth experience you had hoped for. It wasn't until I went to a few therapy sessions, and the therapist 'allowed' me to express this, and told me it was completely acceptable to feel this way, that I felt a huge sense of relief wash over me. Had I had this kind of support and acceptance in the first place, I wouldn't have had to try to hide or make light of my true feelings about it for so long. And really, this can be extrapolated to other mental health issues. Why do people feel the need, or the right, to tell people how they can and cannot feel? Just accept and support.
I really hope this woman who was debating with me had good intentions, but I gather from her story that she maybe has lingering issues she is suppressing regarding her own birth experience. Either way, it is not a competition. Yes, some people's birth experiences are worse than others. That does not mean that others are not entitled to their own feelings around their birth. If you truly are happy with your birth experience, c-section or otherwise, then that is great! And if you aren't, that is fine, too. Just remember a little compassion goes a long way, and allow people to work through their feelings.

 Part Two:

I also came across this on my facebook feed the same day:

To which, I say:

(excuse random apostrophe. I didn't write this.)

I also came across a video on facebook of an overweight man participating in an poolside aerobics class, where the clear purpose of the video was to laugh at the man. I have seen memes of obese women where the sole purpose is make fun of their appearance.
I'm not really sure why these irk me so much as I don't have a trigger (the way I do in part one), but it makes me furious when people post pictures/ videos/ memes of other people solely for the purpose of making fun or bringing people down. Furious.
Why are people so judgmental? I admit that the tattooed lad is a bit extreme, and is certainly not my taste, but what if he was exceptionally qualified for the job and was dismissed because of the way he looks? The shallowness of it all disgusts me. And why do people post videos and pictures of overweight people to only make fun of them? Seriously. 

I hope to raise my girls with compassion and depth to perceive people based on their qualities rather than their appearance. 

End rant.

A Day in the Life 2014

 I did a post like this in March last year, and I thought it might be a fun thing to keep going for myself to be able to look back on. So here is 'A Day in the Life 2014':

 Laura: age 4              Rachel: age 22 months

2:30am Wake up from dead sleep to whimpering from Rachel's room. Hazily run through a mental list of reasons why she would be awake. Decide most likely cause is upset tummy from sweet and sour (pineapple) chicken at dinner. Go downstairs and make coconut/almond milk bottle for her [lactose intolerant self], hope it settles her tummy and she will go back to sleep. She doesn't. Ask Josh to take a turn to check on her. He gives her some medicine. Still awake. I go in and she asks for "n[urs]ing." I smile to myself and sit my butt on the floor to nurse her for 15 minutes.

3:15am Flop back into bed and try to go back to sleep.

7:00am Wake up from dead sleep to whimpering from Rachel's room. Go check if she has peed through her diaper from having more bottles than normal. She hasn't. Change diaper. Bring her back to our bed for our regular morning nursing.

7:30am Drag myself out of bed. Make bed in half-a**ed attempt to provide some order to our otherwise messy room. Make "bobble" for Rachel, who is still thirsty, apparently. Let dogs out.  Snuggle with Rache while she has her bottle. Let dogs in. Give incredibly smelly dog his ear infection medicine. Start making ancient grains oatmeal for breakfast. Realize we are out of the frozen cherry/berry mix Laura likes included in her oatmeal. Add frozen blueberries and peaches instead and hope to not cause meltdown.

8:00am Kiss/ hug Josh goodbye. Briefly check facebook. See someone's post about it being a snow day. Check if we have a snow day - we do! My morning becomes a lot more relaxed. Let Laura sleep a little longer. Review colours with mucousy toddler inquiring about red carpet dresses on my computer screen. Smell something. Change diaper again. Get Rachel dressed. Wash hands. Go to feed dogs. Find some random, looks-like-water-but-who-knows-what spilled on the floor. Clean up. Dole out various children's vitamins, probiotics, supplements, etc. Feed Rachel breakfast. Laura wakes up and joins us. Get up from eating to serve Laura's oatmeal. She notes no cherries with minimal drama. Endure rendition of 'Let It Go' before breakfast is over. Girls eat approximately five bites each and then demand to get down and go play.

8:45am Laura comes up from playing in the basement whining about a paper cut and asking for a Muppet bandaid (that are supposed to be for our trip). Apply bandaid (whatever, we're not going to use them all on the trip). Laura then wants to watch the Muppet Show to match her Kermit bandaid. I suggest Mickey's Clubhouse as per Rachel's earlier request because she rarely gets a say and doesn't take particular interest in the Muppet Show. Laura agrees and puts on 'Mickey and Donald Have a Farm'.

9:00am Go upstairs to get dressed. Remember that 90% of wearable clothes are in the dirty laundry. Rifle through clean laundry (still in laundry basket) and find last pair of clean yoga pants. Dump laundry basket out on bed and vow to actually find time/ motivation to put it away today. Tidy up bedroom, and put all dirty laundry in basket and take to laundry room. Girls are still watching show, use time to put away Laura's clean laundry and tidy her room. 

9:30am Notice it is after 9:30 (when doctor's office accepts calls), call to make doctor appointment. Laura cuts a link from her 'countdown chain' for our trip. Get Laura to use washroom, help wipe. Get her dressed (matching to Rachel, because I feel like it.) Brush and braid her hair in a 'Rapunzel braid'. Brush and braid Rachel's hair. Pause for a moment to enjoy watching my kids dance/ sing along to their show. Pack up some snacks to take to the library, grab library book to renew. Gather Rachel's birthday invitations to distribute to her friends at the library story time.

Rapunzel braid

10:00am Get all boots, coats, etc on small people and myself, and buckle everyone into the car. Leave for library well ahead of time so introverted Laura will have time to acclimate to situation. Distribute snacks at library. Enjoy watching kids play peekaboo behind the tree.

    
10:30am Hand out birthday invitations. Socialize with other mommy friends. Toddler Story Time at library. Help kids with playdough and colouring after stories. Mental happy note to self about how well Laura handled Story Time. Socialize with mommy friends while also trying to facilitate sharing and word usage between my children and other toddlers, prevent climbing/ hitting/ etc.

Rachel, jumping her jiggles out :)

11:30am Tell girls it is time to leave in a few minutes. Tell girls it is time to leave again. Ask girls to put on boots. Tell girls it is time to leave. Ask girls to put on boots again. Finally get everyone ready to leave. Laura wants to take out the one and only book she ever takes out from the library. Check out new library book and renew other library book. Run with both kids in freezing rain/ sleet to car and buckle everyone in again.

11:45am Pick up Josh from work for lunch and inform him of snow day status. Listen to 'Let It Go'. Drop letter to new sponsor child in mailbox. Arrive home. Bring everyone in. Notice that mail has been delivered and we still haven't received our pre-ordered copy of 'Frozen' that should have come yesterday, try to let Laura down easy. Let dogs out. Notice toddler making her 'concentrating' face. Ask her if she is pooping. She says, "No, he did it." (referring to the stuffed dog she is holding). Change diaper. Wash hands. Put on another episode of Mickey's Clubhouse. Make juice. Fry some eggs, potatoes, and leftover corned beef for girls for lunch.

12:15pm Ask Josh to pry Rachel from my legs while I'm cooking things with hot oil and dispense more medicine for sick and whiny toddler. Josh takes car to go back to work. Finish making lunch. Call girls to eat. Rachel eats next to nothing, Laura only eats eggs, declaring she doesn't like the meat [that she hoovered several slices of the other night.] Girls get down from table. I finish eating and tidy up kitchen a little.

1:00pm Rachel is still whining. Call Josh at work to ask if he actually gave Rachel any medicine. He did. Make bottle for Rachel and put her for nap as she seems extra tired from being up for 45 minutes in the middle of the night. Spend a few minutes on my computer while Laura finishes her episode of Mickey.

Laura's concentrating face - she was in charge of the shutter

1:30pm Tidy up a few toys/ dishes in the kitchen, and heat up Laura's oatmeal from breakfast at her request. She eats it while I read a (long!) chapter from Charlotte's Web to her. She needs help with the last few bites of oatmeal. Laura also wants to read her other library book, so we work on some phonics sounds/ sounding out words while we read 'Night Monsters'.

  
2:30pm Laura and I draw some characters from Charlotte's Web. Cut them out and make a scene. Practice writing some W's. Record a 'Happy Birthday' song for Grandpa. Play some songs from 'Wreck It Ralph' for Laura to dance to while I upload birthday video for Grandpa. Laura uses the washroom again and needs help wiping. We listen to the Frozen soundtrack, including but not limited to 'Let It Go'. I check a few things online (trip reservations - scored a Fastpass to meet Elsa and Anna!, shipment status of our movie, bank account/ bills, etc) and Laura runs a paint stir stick along the banister for 30+ minutes (?).
    
3:45pm I attempt to put away The Laundry Pile on our bed.

4:00pm Rachel wakes up (unusually long nap!). Laura sings 'Do You Wanna Build A Snowman?', as per the waking-up-from-naptime ritual. Change diaper. Resume folding laundry. Rachel supervises. Put away some of my piles and take all used cloths and bibs that seem to unendingly litter my kitchen to washing machine. Girls play together.

4:30pm Rachel is hungry. Heat up her lunch she didn't eat, she picks at it. Play some more Wreck It Ralph tunes since Rachel didn't get in on the dance party during her nap. Minor refereeing is required while they play together. Tidy up time before Daddy comes home.

5:00pm Girls are hungry for snack. I weigh pros and cons of feeding them so close to dinner and decide they can share an apple and will hopefully still be hungry enough for dinner. Josh comes home from work. I start making dinner and tidying up kitchen while he plays with girls.

5:45pm  We have gluten free spaghetti for dinner. Rachel can't have tomatoes due to tummy issues, so she has plain noodles that are supplemented with grapefruit. Laura complains and wants plain noodles, too. We let Laura try a bite of grapefruit, which she hilariously hates. We explain that the sauce makes Rachel sick so she can't eat it, but that Laura needs to. Everyone finishes their dinner and Laura gets to have a little ice cream. Josh cleans up the kitchen after dinner and the girls run around chasing each other/ playing.
     
6:30pm Josh plays with kids, I have some time to spend on the computer.

7:15pm We decide to go for a treat at Starbucks.

a cake pop and hot chocolate to share

7:45pm We come home, Josh changes Rachel and puts on her jammies, team headlock/ brush teeth operation, and I tuck her in at 7:59pm. Laura watches an episode of Diego and declares she is still hungry. More apple is cut and consumed while finishing show.

8:30pm Inform Laura of bedtime. She does not want to go to bed. She asks for three more minutes. Put on timer. After timer beeps, we brush teeth, put on jammies, and 'talk guys' (pretend stuffed toys talk to each other). Send Josh up to read 'Night Monsters'.

Laura using her new Batman toothbrush

 9:00pm Attempt to do some yoga. Interrupted by hysterically overtired Laura. She comes down and cannot settle until I embrace her close to my chest. She says she wants to do yoga with me. I tell her when you do yoga you can`t talk or else it isn't relaxing. She agrees. She sits on the floor beside me and immediately bursts into hysterics again. No. It is bedtime. I tell her we will go and have snuggle time in her bed. We go back up to her room and I rub her back and talk to her about how proud I am that she is such a great big sister. We talk about things that are frustrating to her, and the whole conversation is very cathartic for both of us, I think. She is calm now. It is way past her bedtime but she is ready to sleep now. I come back downstairs and abandon plans for yoga tonight. It is late and I need to go to bed and catch up on lost sleep from last night.

       

My Old Man is 60!

     Last year after Laura's labour-intensive 3rd birthday party, I sort of went into birthday planning withdrawal. It was then that I realized my dad would be turning 60 this year, and that was as good an excuse as any to start more birthday planning. :) 
   My dad has quite a few different interests I could have used for themes, but I decided I wanted to go with an 'outdoorsman' sort of theme: lots of camouflage and redneck rustic, nature-y elements. I wasn't planning to put in as much effort with the details as I do with the kids' parties, because, let's face it - he likely wouldn't even notice, but I did want to have some sort of theme to go with.
    I recruited the help of my trusty mom, and when I proposed the idea of the surprise party to her and asked for her suggestions on venue, she suggested the little community church he attends. On a sneak mission, I accompanied Josh out to the church while he was with my dad 'scoping out the church for recording purposes'. The church seemed like a good fit for a venue and also tied in another one of his 'interests'. The only problem with that was there was no way to contact them. No church phone number, no contact info at all. We did know his friends that ran the church, but not their last names, and no way to look them up aside from asking him, which we obviously couldn't do without arousing suspicion. So, on another day, we drove out to the church again, wrote a note, folded it up, and stuck it in the crack of the door, hoping they would find it and that it wouldn't blow away (haha). In the note we told them about our plans for the party and asked them about the possibility of hosting it, and could they please contact us via phone or email.
     Thankfully, his friends at the church found the note, were thrilled about the idea of having a surprise party for him there, and were beyond helpful in organizing the whole thing. We have been in regular contact for the last six weeks or so planning everything from the guest list to the menu to how to get him there. We really couldn't have pulled it off without their help.
     I had also been busily working on Laura's 4th birthday this month, so I really didn't get around to planning the details/decorations until about a week and a half ago. I wanted to put together a slide show for him, so I contacted all of his siblings for old pictures, and spent an entire afternoon scanning pictures out of my mom's old photo albums, as well. I had even sneaked the old photo albums from his house to include. After a small scramble, we were able to borrow a projector from Josh's work for the slideshow, and my dad seemed to really enjoy the slides. I also used some of the pictures for our centrepieces.
     I contacted people near and far to figure out who to invite to his party. Several people we invited disappointingly weren't able to make it (most them down south for the winter), or we weren't able to get contact info for, but I think he was still quite appreciative of the people who were able to come.

SURPRISE!!!!
(He thought he was coming to play music for an anniversary party)

The front of the church all set up

More decorations. He even noticed and commented on the camo napkins all on his own!

The camouflage cake and cupcakes I made
(Laura picked out the sparkly green candles for him "because his favourite colour is green!")

Old friend, Brian. They have known each other since grade three.
(Also, the best shot of the centrepieces since I forgot to take any specific pics of them)

Some people got up to tell funny/ embarrassing stories about Dad,
and Laura got up to sing a Happy Birthday solo to him in the microphone.
(Also note: slideshow)

The church members played some songs and featured Dad on his harmonica

The girls enjoying the balloons and providing an entertaining visual to accompany the music

Old Man cutting his camo cake. It was camouflage on the inside, too,
and the fondant was mint chocolate flavoured. His favourite.
(I made him pie, too, since he doesn't really like cake)

     The party went off without a hitch, and we totally surprised him .So fun!
Special thanks to Charlene for use of the space and helping to coordinate it all, my mom and sister for helping prep/ contribute, the other church members for helping with food prep, and Josh for his patience and help with the kids/ clean up, etc.

Happy 6-0 Daddio!

In Remembrance

    The week of Valentine's Day/ my birthday I was feeling especially depressed about the lack of my third child. And I got to thinking. After our first miscarriage, we decided to honour our baby by sponsoring a child in need. But how do you choose one? They are all equally deserving... how do you narrow it down? We decided to choose one with the birth date of our lost child's due date: June 29. We chose a young boy from Guatemala whose name is Danny Alexander BaCaal. I thought he was especially fitting because his middle name, Alexander, was what we would have called our baby, had it been a boy. So we have been sponsoring Danny for 5 years now; he writes to us often and sends pictures, etc. and he holds a special place for us because of  how we came into our relationship.
     So anyway, about two weeks ago, I got to thinking about all of this, and thought that perhaps we should consider sponsoring another child to honour our second lost child. I got the girls involved and we chose a little girl named Pipi Pierrette Akossiwa Edoh from Togo whose birth date also matches our lost baby's due date (also June 29). We received her information package in the mail today, and are excited to get to know Pipi! I'm glad that a ray of light can shine for someone from the darkness that we have been through.

Our Little Mermaid is Four!

   Laura has really loved The Little Mermaid for a while now, and even though I keep trying to not pick birthday themes way in advance, I couldn't help but become really excited about the idea of having her party at the pool this year. Having the party at a place other than our home added a challenging new level of planning for me, too. ;)

I bought some inexpensive towels in mermaid colours to make hooded towels for favours for the guests.
I stitched their names into them and wrapped them up a la "You look sensational!"
I had wanted to get a picture of the guests wearing them, but mostly everyone brought their own towels.

 

I also sewed a mermaid dress for Laura to wear, and my mom made Rachel a cute little Flounder-inspired dress.

I got a new camera for my birthday - one that can get wet! :)

 The guests went swimming while my Mom and I set up the party room at the pool:

The backdrop for the table was not exactly what I had wanted, as I don't really like to buy licensed merchandise for parties, but it was the cheaper, easier option, so I settled. I did up the balloon arrangements without any commercial Little Mermaid input to create the 'under the sea' atmosphere, so I guess it evened out.

The kids really enjoyed the bubble machine,
but it started making the floor a little slippery after a few minutes, so we had to turn it off.
We also had The Little Mermaid soundtrack to play, but forgot the CD player. :(

I wasn't able to go all out with the decorations since we were having it out of house, 

so I put more effort into the food/ table instead:

I made little bubble trails to include a picture and quotes from the movie to tie in each food item:

• "I think you've swallowed a bit too much seawater" beside the 'seawater' drink (blue Koolaid + lemonade)
• "It's a dinglehopper! Humans use these little babies to straighten their hair out." beside the forks
• "The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake." for the sushi
• "We had fantastical feasts when I lived in the palace" beside the shrimp (pictured: Ursula eating a shrimp)

• "You want thingamabobs? I've got twenty!" (pictured: Ariel's corkscrew collection) for 'thingamabob' salad
• "It's time Ursula took matters into her own tentacles!" for Ursula's veggies and dip 

 "Shark! Shark! We're gonna die!" with the watermelon shark

"The fish on the land ain't happy, they sad 'cause they in the bowl." beside blue Jell-O with candy fish

• "Let's eat before this crab wanders off my plate!" beside the crab croissants

and the cake. My first attempt working with fondant.
I had been put off by attempting something new and challenging in the past,
but this is the cake Laura said she wanted, so I decided to give it a try.
It was a little frustrating to get the fondant on the cake without wrinkling/ ripping it,
but other than that it wasn't too bad.

 

Laura opened her gifts afterward, and actually showed interest and gratitude this year. :)

This was the card  that Rachel and I made for Laura to go with our gift. Rachel was painting the other day and painted something that actually resembled a mermaid tail, and then went on to paint something else that resembled seaweed, so I cut them out and made them into a mermaid card. :)

For her actual birthday (today) we decided to do something special. The girls were given money for a fun 'outing' for Christmas, and so we had planned to go to the new aquarium the week that I broke my toe, but then had to postpone. I thought it might be fun to stick with the 'under the sea' theme and take her to the aquarium today, instead. So Josh took the day off and off we went.
The aquarium was very cool, and both the girls seemed to really enjoy it. So much that they didn't want to stop and eat a proper lunch, which subsequently caused several meltdowns. :/

 

On our way home, and since they were starving, we went out to Laura's favourite restaurant (Kelsey's).
Hope you enjoyed your birthday, Sweetie! <3