I'm A Girl

Rachel is going through an identity confirming phase, which is kinda cute, and a little... exasperating.
Every day when we get dressed, she says she wants a dress or a skirt because, "I want to be a girl!" Whenever I suggest pants, she will say either, "I don't want to be a kid!" or "I'm not a boy!"
Sigh.
I'm not totally sure where she got this idea from, and part of me has little alarm bells going off that she thinks girls can only wear skirts or dresses. But then another part of me tells that other part of me that she is only two and she is just trying to make sense of everything in her own way, and to stop worrying because she won't think that girls can only wear dresses and skirts forever.

RIP Bean

Last week, a high school friend of mine messaged me to tell me that our beloved high school drama teacher had been in a serious (single vehicle) car accident, and had been air lifted to a major hospital where, despite two surgeries and all efforts to save her, she had succumbed to her injuries. The day before Easter weekend.

I was shocked. I still am, really. Aside from being a fabulous teacher, she was a mother to three elementary school aged boys, and my heart absolutely breaks for them and her husband. All week I have been perusing her facebook page where there has been an outpouring from the community on how she had touched their lives. And it is all so sad I can hardly bear it. A former student of hers set up an email to write letters and memories of her for her family to keep. This is what I sent:


Dear Bean,

     Where to even start? 

      I was shocked to hear of your sudden passing. As the details trickled in, my confusion turned to anger. Why you? Why you, who has been a light in so many people's lives? A genuinely kind and gentle soul, always there to provide encouragement, a listening ear, a much needed smile. Always a smile. There are many things I will remember you by, but your big, bright smile certainly not the least of them. Why you?

      I was amongst the first students you ever taught at Park Street fifteen years ago, and I remember when you started how everyone was abuzz with the excitement of a new, young teacher. As we got to know you, something really stood out. You were different than most teachers. You didn't talk or look down on us - you treated us with respect and kindness on a level other teachers didn't. And I remember the difference in your classroom. The students felt the respect; they offered the same respect back. Essentially, it translated into a more peaceful classroom. A better learning environment. As I went through university and my teaching degree, I always remembered how you made your students feel: respected, worthy of your time and attention. This was a teaching practice I adopted as best I could while learning the ropes, and I would like to think that not only did your outlook and approach affect your students in the first degree, but also my students in the second degree, and who knows how much further your kindness spread?  

      And as a fellow young mother, years after I had graduated, I continued to receive your support and kindness. I miscarried my first pregnancy. And I felt so alone. So many people don't talk about it, and when it happens to you, you just feel so alone. I reached out to you, because you were one of the brave souls who did talk about it, who didn't hide it like it was something to be ashamed of. I could see the pain in your eyes when you talked about it, and although there isn't much to say to make something like that better, I took comfort in your support and knowing that I was not alone in my grief. With this too, I try to pay forward what I can in support of other mothers who miscarry. You were inspiring like that.

      I have so many memories from being in your classes, every single one of them good. From you chowing down on clementines while pregnant with Sam, to you being stressed about our impending presentations and telling us you were going to turn into a, "Think of another word, think of another word! .... Super mean lady!"  We all just laughed at you, knowing you wouldn't. And didn't. Still brings a smile to my face. Such good times in drama class. 

I wish more teachers could be like you, because its not only about the subject knowledge you impart, but the experiences you create, the virtues you model, and the way you make people feel that really stand out in the grand scheme of things. My heart just completely aches for your young family, and although you were taken way too soon, I hope these letters serve to remind them of how many lives you touched, and how incredible a woman you were. Live on, Sweet Spirit. In all of us. 

I wanted to keep it fairly succinct, but I really could have gone on and on about how fondly I remember her, and how she was such a positive influence in so many young people's lives. You needed to know her to understand how great she really was. I know people tend to put people who have passed on a pedestal, accenting their shining attributes, but really, I can't remember anything negative about this woman. She was always smiling in the halls whether you knew her or not, she brought an energy to every room she entered. She was so kind, and compassionate, and treated us like equals. I still can't understand why she, of all people, was taken so soon.

For someone who is not directly involved in my life any more, I sure have spent an overwhelming amount of time with her and her family heavily weighing on my mind this week. I guess because I am also a young mother now, it makes it that much more relatable. It could have been me. It could have been Josh. She was just on her way to work on a regular day, on a road she had traveled thousands of times. I drove by there this week. Twice. It's not on my way to anywhere, but I needed to see it. I took flowers - something I've never done before, in hopes to help myself process this. My hands shook.

Today was her funeral. In a church that was meant to hold about 200 people, I bet there were at least 500 there. The pews were packed, there were people standing in the aisles of the sanctuary, shoulder to shoulder in the foyer, in the basement, and overflowing into the street. I have been to several funerals, mainly for my grandparents and older people, which are sad in their own respect, but generally I feel happy for them that they lived a full life, filled with love and family, and everything you'd want. So I've never been more sad at a funeral than I was today. I cried my way through her husband's entire tribute, and many other times throughout the service. This woman was 39. She was in the prime of life. Her children were ages 13, 9, and 6. Her baby was six years old! I just. can't...

Speaking to others there was difficult. One of the teachers, notorious for his positive outlook, asked me if I was all right, to which I replied no. Tears trickled down his face as he said quietly, "I know. It's absolute shit." The fact that he found no joy was significant to me. One of my other former teachers said that she thought she had received a sign from her, letting her know that everything was all right. I still don't feel it, but I hope she's right.

I think what everyone is taking away from this is: you have to live life doing what you love, and spreading kindness and joy. I can't imagine she would have many regrets, because she did just this, every day. Rest in peace, you beautiful soul, and know that you have made the world a better place for so many people.

Dinner F

We decided on a whim at the grocery store to get some fresh flowers for our centrepiece today, to keep the flamingo family company. (Laura was originally going to make a fly, but wanted to make a family when she saw Rachel's flamingo).
On our menu tonight was:

salad with:

feta

fig

fennel

flaxseed

falafel 

French dressing

So, I brought the whole fish to the table to serve, and the poor dude's head was
hanging off the side of the plate, and next thing I know his eyeball had fallen
out on to the table, a gooey, gelatinous pile of mush. So gross! haha

fried fish

French fries

freekeh

fruit flan

Dinner E

Our E dinner did not end up being very enjoyable, mainly because Rachel was very over-tired and cried through the whole thing, and Laura got too hungry waiting for dinner and was also having trouble keeping it together. But at least the food was yummy! We had:


elk empanadas

salad with:
endive
edamame
egg
eggplant
edam

espresso eclair

Special thanks to the Martha Stewart website and its endless awesome recipes for all the dinners we dream up.

No More Baby?

Rachel turns three in about six weeks, and in the last week or so seems to have abandoned her bottle and night time diapers. She has been using the toilet during the day for about six or seven months, but she has finally kicked the night time diaper now, too. I am really excited for her; it's so fun watching her become a little person, but at the same time... no more baby? Ack. I'm not really ready for that. :/

A Day in the Life 2015

Laura: age 5
Rachel: age almost 3

7:00am Josh's alarm goes off. Roll over and cuddle up together, drift back to sleep between snooze buttons. I love this guy.

7:30am Josh gets dressed and goes to work. Kiss goodbye. I get up, make the bed, feed dogs breakfast, let the dogs out, drink some water and take vitamin D and fish oils, tidy up a few things in the living room, find Rachel's developmental screen we were given at nursery school yesterday, take the opportunity to fill it out while the kids are still asleep. (Rachel still doesn't seem to be quite on track sleeping-wise since the time change 2.5 weeks ago and keeps needing naps and then staying up late/ sleeping in.) Finish screen, feel guilty about not having any one-on-one time with Rachel to work on the suggested developmental activities.

8:00am The girls seldom sleep in like this, so I take the opportunity to make some tea (and also find a Reese cup Josh left for me on the counter and a banana, which I consume while waiting for the kettle to boil) and check email/ facebook. Make mental note that Target is closing this week, plan to go there tomorrow.

8:15am The girls wake up before I have even taken a sip of my tea, and come snuggle me on the couch for a minute before going to play downstairs. I am then requested to bring up the mini trampoline from downstairs, and Me Time as I know it is over for the morning. Refereeing of turn taking on the trampoline commences. Demands for breakfast. I start some cherry berry oatmeal for Laura at her request. Bring Rachel's leftovers from last night out, which she is instructed to finish before she has oatmeal. I drink my tea while finishing up with facebook, email, and click-baity articles while the oatmeal is cooking. The girls take turns "being birds" on the trampoline. When breakfast is ready, negotiations are made between each other to watch a DVD of Mickey shorts.

9:30am DVD is turned off, I feed Rachel the remainder of her breakfast, take dishes to sink, scrub stuck-on oatmeal off pot, bring up girls' laundry from downstairs, make Rachel's bed, suggest Laura make her bed and check off chore chart. Girls play while I put away their laundry, I'm interrupted to wipe butts; negotiate size-, activity-, and weather-appropriate outfits for the day; and help people get dressed, before I finish putting laundry away.

 10:20am Give kids choice of finishing making birthday cards for sponsor kids or playing outside. They pick outside. I find pants and socks and put them on. Give kids new chalk they were given for Christmas. Get out helmets and new scooter, new sunglasses. Brush own hair and put in ponytail. Coats, mitts and everyone outside. The girls play in the driveway on their scooters while I rake up winter dog poo in the side yard and call that my exercise for the day (I'll spare you the photo) ;). Raking interrupted because Laura wants to go inside and Rachel needs to potty and be wiped. Laura stays in while R and I go outside for a few more minutes to finish raking/ playing.

11:10am Come inside, help Rachel with coat, let dogs out, wash hands. Cut up apples, and give leftover dragonfruit and date doughnuts from last night's D dinner for snack. Rachel pretends she is a bird and pecks her apple. I get the craft stuff ready to finish the birthday cards, put away snack dishes, wipe table and counter.

11:30am Kids help finish cards, use punches and glue to make "stickers" for the cards, and practice writing/ drawing messages for them inside. I ask Laura how to say "Happy Birthday" in Spanish. She actually knows (Thanks, Dora!), but (obviously) doesn't know how to spell, so we look it up. Interrupted by phone call from Josh to ask when he should come home for lunch and to tell me what he'd like me to make.

12:30pm Finish birthday cards, and by some majestic planetary alignment, the kids suggest and offer to help clean up crayons, etc. Start making hashbrowns and eggs for lunch. notice and clean spills down front of cupboards, remember noticing girls need nails cut, call them up and do that. Discourage girls from playing board game with lots of pieces while I cannot supervise (making lunch) to make sure the pieces are not lost. Instead, kids start a movie they won't have time to finish before we need to leave for story time at the library.

Laura freaking out about her wet sleeve
and then angrily demanding to know
what I was taking a picture of.

1:15pm Josh is home now, and we tag team finishing making lunch. I brush the girls' hair and he flips hashbrowns and finishes eggs. I make juice for him and myself. Wrangle food into children, threats of not going to the library are made, gather up things that need to go back to the library, find a shirt to wear that I didn't sleep in, reapply socks to children, get boots and coats on and everyone ready to go. Laura's nose starts randomly bleeding and gets on her dress. Josh deals with nose bleed. I wash blood off her clothes which she then freaks out about because they are wet.

1:45pm Finally get everyone out the door a solid 15 minutes after intended. Drop Josh back at work. Head over to the library, no parking. Circle the parking lot a couple times in hopes of finding someone leaving. No luck. Park on the street at the pay meter. Hope the 15 cents I found in the car will sufficiently keep the meter man away. It buys us 18 minutes - only about half the time we'll need. Whatever. Hustle kids into library, return books/ movies we'd borrowed. Thankfully our children's librarian tends to start the programs a few minutes late, so we didn't miss anything. Song and story time starts. Rachel declares need to pee. I see through it (she doesn't have much of an attention for stories yet, and often asks to leave during). I tell her she has to wait until story time is over. They make their cute little rainbow crafts (fitting for such a rainy day!) Rachel cannot contain her energy and is excited to run around once they are done. Several warnings are administered until we finally must leave because she cannot stop running. Oh yeah, and our parking meter is probably way empty. We check out a new book and a DVD Laura chose.

2:45pm No ticket on car. Head home. Rachel is hungry. Yogurt snacks distributed. I look up what information needs to be included in the birthday cards to send them to the correct child. Get them organized and ready to mail.

3:20pm Get girls ready in gymnastics suits (Laura dresses herself!) Put Rachel's hair up.  I get an 'I love you' from Laura while doing Rachel's hair. <3 Answer phone. Take message. Throw on work-out shirt and deodorant. Try to get people out the door a few minutes early so we will have time to pay for the new gymnastics session. The girls have been transformed into a pegasus (Laura) and a cat (Rachel) by their hoodies that they wear to gymnastics.

3:45pm At last minute grab water for the girls and subsequently forget to bring birthday cards to mailbox. Out the door again.  Endure several duet renditions of Mary Had a Little Lamb and The Alphabet Song a la Laura Rainbow Dash (sung exclusively in neighs) and Rachel Kitty (sung exclusively in meows) all the way to gymnastics. As per the plethora of parenting advice articles I have read, I make a mental note to enjoy it. When we arrive the girls run off to the change room to take off their warm up clothes while I pay. Laura's lesson starts and Rachel and I have to wait for 15 minutes. Rachel spends it walking on the squishy, dirty boot mats while I chat with another parent in the parent and tot class.

4:13pm I take Rachel to wash her now black feet in the bathroom before her lessons start. Help Rachel through her lessons, try to watch Laura as much as possible, too.

5:00pm Help the girls get their warm up clothes back on and into the car. Pick up Josh from work. Come home. Scarf down the last lonely half doughnut. Josh unloads dishwasher and packs in day's dishes. I get kids changed out of gymnastics leotards, Chester comes to tell me that his ear is bothering him, I loosely supervise the girls as they are wrangy hungry now, prompt Laura to practice piano. Laura also sets the table (without being asked).

5:40pm Josh is done cleaning in the kitchen, we switch. I feed the dogs, let them out, administer ear medicine to Chester, and make dinner trying to use up as much random stuff in the fridge as possible while Josh spends time with the kids.

6:20pm Serve dinner. Hungry kids eat with minimal protest (shrimp alfredo with onions, peppers, spinach and arugula on gluten free pasta). We chat about our time at the library and potential future group Halloween costumes.

6:40pm Finish dinner (Rachel actually ate her whole dinner tonight!), kids want to watch a show, Rachel chooses Diego. Josh cleans up dinner dishes, starts dishwasher, and makes Rachel her bottle.

7:15pm Josh puts Rachel's diaper and pajamas on and brushes her teeth. The girls watch an episode of BusyTown Mysteries.

7:40pm We all play cooperative Ponyville game the girls got for Christmas together. We lose. haha.

"I'm not tired!!"

8:00pm Josh puts Rachel to bed and finally gets some time for himself. I go up for bedtime snuggles. As I lay in bed with her, I ask her what her favourite part of today was. She tells me about her favourite part of the new, live action Cinderella movie that we saw on the weekend was. I re-explain the question, and I eventually get out of her that playing outside on the scooters was her favourite. Before I even get up to leave, she adamantly tells me over and over again that she is not tired, and wants to come downstairs with me. I know that she is going through a phase of being scared of the dark/ going to sleep by herself, so I compromise by saying I will read to Laura in their room. That way she is free to fall asleep in her own bed, not on her own, or listen to the story if she chooses. I call Laura to bring up the book and get her pajamas on. Rachel isn't the best listener to longer stories now, so we are interrupted quite a few times (including but not limited to having to go wipe her butt), but we manage to get in four chapters. I brush Laura's teeth and tuck them in.

9:00pm Pee. Get a drink of water and a handful of Doritos (that Josh had requested for D dinner.) Fill up our water filter reservoir and the dog's water reservoir. Choose a date night activity from our bag.

9:30pm Call Josh up to play Wii. We play for half an hour and then head to bed.

T'was a good day.
I love my life and am so thankful!

Dinner D

D was a tougher letter to find things for dinner. This is what we came up with:

daiquiri

dandelion salad with dill dressing

duck and dumplings with orange dijon sauce


dessert:
deep-fried, dipped date doughnuts
dragonfruit