Rachel: 9 Months

Rachel is 9 months old today!

With the risk of sounding like a broken record, Rache has once again astounded me with how much she has advanced in only a month's time.

     She now reaches to be picked up, waves at herself in the mirror, and if you're lucky, maybe at you, too. She has mastered the crawling this month and is super speedy now, and has even pulled herself up on various furniture a few times. Most notably, these last two accomplishments have brought new levels of excitement to playing the 'Crocodile Game' (Laura and I are Peter Pan and Captain Hook, taking refuge on the bed from the mean crocodile). One day Laura took a turn being the crocodile and Rachel took her part of shrieking on the bed to get away very seriously. So. Stinking. Cute.

     She has made advancements in her communication this month, too, seemingly using 'mama' and 'dada' in context, as well as shaking her head 'no' when refusing food a few times, too. While most of the time Rachel is good-spirited, she was sick (and grumpy) for a little while this past month, and definitely made her little temper known when she didn't get what she wanted. She is certainly strong-willed and has even started refusing some food in hopes of being offered something better!

One of my favourite things she does that has made a reappearance this month is her little head-bobble dance.

Go Go Gadget Milk!

I just want to nurse my baby. No bottles involved. Is that so much to ask, Mother Nature?

     As many of you know, I have been struggling with low milk supply for several months now. Originally it was due to becoming pregnant, but I'm not pregnant anymore, and we are still having a hell of a time getting off the bottle.
    I have sought advice from a variety of health care professionals: the public health nurse who runs the local breastfeeding group, who referred me to a lactation consultant, who referred me to Jack Newman. I spoke to my family doctor briefly about it, too, but I knew he wouldn't have much advice either as I had previously spoken to him about this issue when I went through this with Laura and being pregnant with Rachel. None of them had much to suggest since taking anything while pregnant is generally not recommended. Then one of my lovely friends suggested taking a homeopathic remedy. I wasn't about to just jump into that without researching it and talking to a naturopathic or homeopathic doctor first, but it was definitely an avenue I was interested in looking into since there weren't a lot of other options.
     Fortunately, Josh's benefits plan covers naturopathic doctor fees, so I found a naturopathic doctor in town who seemed like a good fit for me, and went in to her with my troubles. She suggested some additions to my diet, and also had some homeopathics in mind if the diet changes didn't help. Sadly, I lost the pregnancy shortly after my first visit with her. However, on the positive side of that horrible tragedy, I was able to utilize a much larger variety of options to increase milk production afterwards. My beautiful doctor made a house call for me (and brought me flowers - how sweet) the week I got out of the hospital, and brought with her a few different things for milk production and grief. One that worked remarkably well was a nursing tea that contains fenugreek, anise seed, marshmallow root, and a few other herb/ plants that are known for their milk boosting properties. A few weeks into my recovery we had made significant progress, and New Year's Eve Rachel went the whole day without needing a bottle. I was thrilled! The following few weeks she only needed a bottle about every two of three days or so. But, then I ran out of tea and the other homeopathic remedy my doctor had given me. And now, we are back down to one or two bottles a day. A notable setback. I went to see the naturopath again this week, and got some more tea, but today I was trying to nurse Rachel before her nap, and she just didn't have the patience for how little milk she was getting. So I put her down in her crib, and went and made her her third bottle of the day. She of course was screaming the whole time I was in the kitchen making the bottle, but was immediately consoled when I came back up and gave it to her.
I broke down and cried. Maybe I'm just having an emotional week, but I hate having to make her wait for her bottles. I hate that I can't just lift my shirt and have all the milk she needs on tap, right there, warm, ready, and exactly what she needs, nutritionally and emotionally. I hate that I have been (at least partially) replaced by a piece of rubber and some plastic. Seriously. Hate.

      At my post-operative appointment, the OB/GYN mentioned in passing that my pituitary may have been adversely affected by my blood pressure bottoming out, but the fact that I was still able to continue breastfeeding was a positive sign. However, a little shred of doubt is now lingering in my mind since I can't seem to maintain my supply without the heavy aid of homeopathic and/ or herbal remedies. I wish I knew more about the biology/ physiology.

    So please, Mother Nature, have mercy on me and my poor, fragile psyche, and go go gadget milk!

PS - Did I mention that Rachel was up, hungry four times last night? I'm sure the lack of sleep is not helping anyone, either.

I LOVE MAKING STUFF (II)

You can read about my last crafty update here: I LOVE MAKING STUFF (part I).
 I haven't posted specifically about my crafting for a while (okay... two years), but here are some of the projects I've undertaken in that time:

Alphabet quilt for Rachel's fiance in Australia

A tutu for another one of our little friends in Australia (I had the onesie embroidered by a friend)

Another sock monkey for one of Laura's little friends (a pay it forward gift)

Another rag quilt for Laura's (and Rachel's, but she wasn't born yet) second cousin

 

Appliques on Laura's 'Birthday Girl' shirt for our trip to Disney last February

... and Laura's birthday party outfit. Yes, she had two.

A pennant for the nursery of another of our little friend's

Laura modelling a sunhat for Rachie's future sister-in-law ;)

Bumblebee photo props for Rachel's newborn photoshoot

crocheted sunhat for newborn Rache

annnnd more sunhats :)

Bee-appliqued onesie for our little Rachel Bee at her Sip & See <3

and matching bee ruffle bum capris :)

Patchwork skirt I made for Laura

 Bandana quilt tablecloth/ picnic blanket

A pettiskirt for Laura's photoshoot in the park

Fall prints (Laura helped me make) for my sister's housewarming

matching crocheted fall hats

Very Hungry Caterpillar hat, also for Rachel's fiance :)

Cutie in his hat for his Very Hungry Caterpillar first birthday

The cute baby, and the crocheted pumpkin hat

Another patchwork skirt (shirt is store bought), this one for Rachel's future sister-in-law

An orange-haired (by request) crocheted dolly for the little neighbour girl

    Additionally, I'm planning to make a similar dolly for Rachel for her first birthday in May, as well as a quilt using some of her baby clothes. Don't tell her. ;)

How C-sections Ruined My Life

      I don't think it's any secret that I am a natural-minded individual. And as such, I have issues with our medical system, and specifically the medicalization of the natural process that is giving birth. Doctors and hospitals definitely have their place, I can certainly attest to that. I even go as far as to say that I felt more comfortable giving birth in a hospital than at home, but there still remains the unnecessary medicalization of giving birth. Just watch "The Business of Being Born" if you want to know more. And if you don't, well, I'll stop my rant about this here, but it's on Netflix if you want to check it out. 

     Anyway, when I was pregnant with Laura, we took prenatal classes at the hospital where she was to be born, and there they told us that we needed to be open minded about everything to do with labour/ delivery. At the time, I told myself, "Yep, okay. I know I'm no hero when it comes to pain management, so if I need an epidural, I will take it. I would really like to do it without one, but I will take it if I need to. The only thing I am not open to is a C-section."
     Of course, then, we found out that Laura was breech before she was born and had to schedule a C-section despite my wishes. I discussed with my doctor and the OB/GYN options for turning her, but they said any efforts would likely be unsuccessful. I even went as far as to discuss a vaginal birth despite her being breech (my sister was born this way), and although the OB I was working with was trained for that, he didn't think it was a good idea given other factors. And because I was a First Time Mom, I conceded to their recommendations. (Knowing what I know now, I'm sure I would have fought even harder to avoid the C-section route.) And then one C-section led to two, despite my best efforts.

     I preface this post with all that because today I had my follow up appointment with the surgeon who performed my hysterectomy. To be honest, I was dreading the appointment. I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to acknowledge what had happened. I wanted to move on and try to forget (or at least not think about it nearly as frequently as I currently do).
    I had the appointment scheduled for when Laura was at preschool, and so after we dropped her off, Rachel and I headed to the OB's office. We spent an hour in the waiting room, Rachel charming the pants off everyone there, and then were taken in. Rachel, at this point, was beginning to get fussy/ tired, so I started nursing her just when the OB came in. The first thing she said was, "Oh, I'm so glad you are still able to breastfeed!"
"Yes, me too.We're down to less than one bottle/ day."
"I was a little worried because when your blood pressure gets as low as yours did, sometimes it starves your pituitary and subsequently messes with your hormones, which could have left you unable to continue breastfeeding."
"Oh.......... I would have been really mad at you if that happened." (half jokingly)
"Well, good, then. And you still have your ovaries, so you shouldn't need hormone supplements."
"Yes, I can already tell I've been cycling based on my moods."

     But an even more interesting part of our conversation involved her telling me that when she was sharing my story with a very old and experienced OB/GYN colleague of hers, he simply stated, "Oh. That was a cervical pregnancy." My OB said that these were extremely rare, as she had never seen one before, only read about them.
     I had never heard of a cervical pregnancy before, but as soon as I came home I looked it up. Apparently they happen in 0.1% of ectopic pregnancies. Not all pregnancies, ectopic pregnancies (pregnancies that implant outside of the uterus). So, they are extremely rare. Hence her never seeing one before. Also, my family doctor called a few weeks back to say he received a pathology report on my uterus, but hadn't received an operative report and wanted to know what happened. When I (painfully) recounted the story to him, he too said he had never seen anything like that. This, from a man who has been doing obstetrics for longer than I have been alive. So yeah. Rare. Even more rare than getting pregnant within six months post-partum. ;) My, this baby was something special.
     Anyway, after educating myself on cervical pregnancies, and truly believing that this is what happened, as all the other information about them fit the bill to a T, I feel much more at peace about the situation. Its so nice to have an answer. Yes, it still was a horrible situation, but at least I know now that no one was at fault, and that nothing we could have done would have prevented it.
     One thing I did read about them though is that cervical pregnancies are more common in women with previous cervical or uterine surgery, prior history of curettage or cesarean delivery. Me. I have had a D&C (dilation & curettage - surgery to remove retained "products of conception" from my first pregnancy), uterine polypectomy, and two caesarean sections. So, I was probably a pretty good candidate for a cervical pregnancy. And that is how I have twisted this story into "How C-sections Ruined My Life". Because I hate C-sections.

Rachel: 8 Months

      Rachel is 8 months old today! My little premie has been out as long as in! (give or take a few days)

     She has grown into a very capable little person in the last month. She had seemed somewhat blob-like for the last seven months, not being mobile and whatnot, but this month she has really blossomed. She is really into exploring things now. Yarn. Computer. Shirt buttons. Fan pullstrings. Placemats (and anything on them) - she'll clear a table now, and almost pulled the tablecloth trick at Christmas at the in-laws! She's also working hard on her pincer grasp and has grabbed and dumped several bowls of her food while I wasn't looking.

     The day she turned 7 months, I stood her up at the ottoman, and she held on and stood there for a significant amount of time. She is not pulling herself up on furniture yet, but if she is placed there, can balance herself well. She is also finally able to sit up well enough to be able to be left alone that way. She is sort of crawling now, too. She has mastered pushing herself backwards around the room, but forwards is mostly a series of faceplants followed by kicking/ swimming motions, at the moment. But forward, nonetheless. :)
I'm sure real crawling is not far off. 
    
     She has made leaps and bounds with her personality this month, too. While I was in the hospital she came up with a bunch of funny games when she came to visit: funny hyperventilating and wobbling her head side to side, which Laura dubbed "The Neck Dance". She totally lights up when you speak to her or acknowledge her, and joins in with you when laughing. So adorable. She also has become good at expressing her anger and frustration, too, especially when her big sister takes her toys from her. :)

     She is coming along verbally, as well. She has said both 'mama' and 'dada' now, though not in context. She is quite the little babbler, though. She has also mastered object permanence now, as demonstrated by looking for things when she drops them. Naps have become a little more consistent in the fact that she generally takes two a day now, though the timing of them is still quite variable.

      As far as feeding goes, we have made significant improvements over the last month despite our unfortunate situation. While I was in the hospital, she was pretty much solely sustained by formula. Josh would bring her in twice a day to nurse, just to make sure my body knew we were still doing this, but she was only getting maybe a few ounces of breastmilk at most. Now that I am recovering (and not pregnant any more) I am making enough milk to support her needs again. She is only taking one 4 - 5 ounce bottle every second day or so. I'm sooo happy that at least this positive has come of our terrible situation, and every night when I'm nursing her to sleep I am so grateful to be able to do so. <3 The twice in the middle of the night feedings I could do without, though. ;) She is also eating solids like a champ. Last night I was so shocked by how much she is eating, I had to look up what an appropriate amount of solids is for an eight month old. (She seems to be on track... I'm just surprised by how much is recommended for such little tummies!) Her favourite right now seems to be butternut squash, and least favourite is anything tomato-based. I think it bothers her tummy like it does her daddy's. :(

     As always, she seems to be growing up faster than I'd like, and as she is now my last baby, I am just focusing on enjoying every moment with her. <3

Urge to Purge

     Generally I hate the whole concept of having so much stuff that we have to get rid of some in order for it to all fit in our house. I am fairly repulsed that as a society we need to do that. But, nonetheless, it happens. And so I've spent the entire week going through almost everything we own and just getting rid of stuff. The new year always gives me an itch to clear out and organize our house. It's like a fresh start.

     And actually, I was pretty happy with the girls' gifts this year. I headed their wish list with a disclaimer about our play room being full enough and requested they please only receive quality toys or books or experiences. And it even seemed to be somewhat effective.

     Still, we brought home many new things that needed homes. The day we arrived home I just wanted to go through every room of the house and GET. RID. OF. STUFF.
     Declutter.
     I read somewhere clutter causes stress, and it definitely causes me stress. Or at least unease.

     So now, it's taken me a whole week, but I have gone through the crawl space and gotten rid of things we had in storage that we (unfortunately) will not need anymore, baby clothes we won't need anymore, books, random stuff, etc. It feels good.

Grief

  
     Yes, it's the beginning of a new year, and I should be happy for a fresh start. And I am. But also, I've been getting that sick feeling in my stomach again lately. You know, the one you get when you realize your kiddos are growing up way faster than you'd like? And it's especially heart wrenching now that I know I can't/ won't be having any more babies.

     My biggest trigger currently is that every time I walk into the nursery I notice that we've lowered the crib mattress down to the lowest setting in the crib. Odd, I know... but it's just one step closer to being done with the crib. Forever. And just writing that brings tears to my eyes.
     Rache is such a sweet baby, and I wish she could be my baby forever... or at least a really long time. Much longer than regular life would allow, at any rate. She seems to have grown with leaps and bounds the last month or so. She is pretty much crawling, albeit clumsily, but that too will pass far more quickly than I'd care for, I'm sure. She can support herself standing up, and is learning to wield a spoon. She is developing such a little personality on her, too. She is ever increasing her ability to make her needs/ wishes known, and has become much more interactive, laughing at jokes and games we play, etc.

     Laura too has had the ill-making effect on me. She has been quite lovely since I've been home from the hospital (growing out of the terrible twos? fingers crossed!), and nearly every day comes out with a great one-liner. One day over the holidays I was helping her use the facilities, and remarked at how big her 'product' was. She replied, "It's like a crocodile!" Priceless. I'm really enjoying her right now. While we were away over the holidays, she slept in a few different beds, and I couldn't help but notice that she didn't seem in danger of falling out anymore. So when we got home we took the guard rail off her bed and haven't had any problems. I think she is also in the middle of a growth spurt: eating like crazy, and growing out of pants like there's no tomorrow. I'm concerned she might blow by 2T all together.

     All things considered, I think I've been fairing pretty well emotionally so far, but maybe now that the busyness of Christmas is over, and we've had a few days to settle down, it is finally hitting me: I still don't feel as though our family is complete. There's nothing quite like having your baby-growing organs removed to make you realize how over the moon you are about being able to have your own children... but I still feel a void. I have had three beautiful people offer their surrogacy services, but, unless we win the lottery (like $50K +), I can't foresee that happening for us.
     Of course there are the menial benefits, like the fact that our house only has three bedrooms and much better suits a family of four rather than five (and ditto for our car.... and the world, in general, really), financially it will be much easier to have two than three children, I feel like I will be able to keep up with my quality of parenting, et cetera, et cetera. But none of those things fill the hole in my heart. Sigh.