What Do You Title a Story Like This?

I feel the need write this story down and get it all out there. It is graphic, emotional, scary, and long.
But I need to do this for myself. Feel free to read as much or as little of it as you want.

I would like to start this story by stating that I have always wanted three children. I consider myself a very maternal person, and for as long as I can remember have always planned to have three kids. After we had Rachel, Josh was not so sure about the Three Child Family route. We had our hands full enough as it was. We decided to leave it in the air for the time being and make a more concrete decision when she was a little older.
Then we found out when Rachel was only 5 months old that I was pregnant with our third child. I had not started cycling yet, and we hadn't even had much opportunity, but nonetheless, we were surprised with another pregnancy. There is a less than 2% chance of this happening when you are exclusively breastfeeding during the first six months, as I was. So, at first we were shocked and didn't know what the heck we were going to do with two kids 13 months (or less) apart, never mind three under the age of 3.5. But eventually we started seeing the positives, and were happy that this new little person was going to complete our family. We figured this baby was in the top 2%, it must be pretty special and be given to us for a reason. Almost eerily, this was my fourth pregnancy in as many years, and this baby was due right at the exact same time as our first baby, that I lost.
A few days after we had confirmed the pregnancy I began bleeding. It was reminiscent of when I miscarried the first baby, and we trucked off to the hospital right away. Thankfully, we found a little bean on the ultrasound about six weeks along and with a heartbeat! Hurray! The chance of miscarrying after a heartbeat has been established drops down to only 3%, apparently.
I had about two to three weeks of morning sickness, but then it started tapering off. I was a little concerned because this was exactly as it had happened with my first pregnancy. I told myself not to worry - it was probably just a boy this time ;), and that I should be thankful I didn't feel too sick while trying to care for the girls. I was, however, really stressed out about the fact that my milk supply was plummeting and Rachel was not getting enough to eat. She was already going to have enough issues being the middle child and not getting to be the 'baby' for long, so I felt this was really unfair to her on top of everything else.

Fast forward a few weeks.

Wednesday of this past week I had a large, nearly unmanageable bout of contractions/ cramps that required me to lay down and breathe through. I then passed some blood. I called Josh to come home from work and watch the girls while I got in the tub. I stayed there for about 1.5 hours, but not a lot more happened. I didn't want to go to the hospital unless it was dire. If I was miscarrying, I wanted to do it at home and be part of it (as opposed to going to the hospital and being put out for a D&C - the surgery they perform to clear out the uterus after a fetus has passed.) I called the midwife and she suggested going to the hospital, but I seemed okay, and stayed home. (I have a friend who would have bleeds like this with her first pregnancy due to a low-lying placenta, but she came out with a lovely little girl from it, so I was still holding onto a shred of hope.) We did decide to go into emerge around 10 that night when my mom could come and stay with the girls. The ER doctor couldn't find anything of note (ie fetus or heartbeat) on their portable ultrasound machine, and said we should come back in the morning for a proper ultrasound when the technicians and radiologist would be around. I was hoping that everything was still okay, but my mommy radar was telling me otherwise.

Thursday morning I went in for the ultrasound while Josh stayed home with the girls. The technician and the radiologist told me the baby had stopped developing at 8w 2d - right around when I had stopped feeling so sick - and that they couldn't find a heartbeat. I should have been measuring 11 - 12 weeks by this point, so I was upset, but had been mentally prepared for this kind of news. The radiologist also said something else "looked like a subchorionic hematoma", and that I would likely start to miscarry later that day. I went home and although Josh had an important meeting he wanted to go to, he stayed home from work for the rest of the day to help with the girls. I was still holding onto a shred of hope that this was somehow all a terrible mistake, and that they had messed up on the ultrasound (as has happened before). But, a friend who knew about the situation came over to drop off a treat for me just after 4pm, which was unfortunately right when I felt it coming on. I excused myself as she left and passed a large gush of blood in the tub again. (I had chosen the tub over the toilet because with the first baby we lost I didn't know better/ think it through and everything was just flushed. That felt pretty disrespectful to me, in hindsight. This time I wanted to see the fetus and honour it properly, especially as I had just seen its little centimetre long body on the ultrasound a few hours earlier.) However, I didn't last long in the tub before I had lost too much blood and passed out. I was able to yell to Josh just before I lost consciousness that I was "not okay!". He called 911, and since their dispatch is only a few blocks from our house, they arrived promptly. Poor Laura was so scared - she didn't understand why our house was suddenly swarming with uptight paramedics and fire fighters. Josh said he put her in her room, and she just sat in the corner quiet and scared. I hope she isn't scarred for life from this. Luckily our beautiful neighbours saw all the commotion and came over to take the girls for awhile. The paramedics carried me out to the ambulance and gave me an IV right away. I was rushed to the ER (also only a few blocks from our house), and seemed to stabilize somewhat. I had regained consciousness before we left but my blood pressure was quite low. I waited in the ER for a little while, as the bleeding had slowed. A little while later it started up again, and I began to feel quite awful. It was then that they decided I needed a D&C. As I mentioned previously, this was not my first choice route in dealing with this. Also, my faith and trust in our small town hospital is not great, and if I did require a D&C, I would have much preferred it to be at the hospital we regularly use, with the surgeons I knew and trusted. Alas, there was no time for that.
An obstetrician I had never met before came in to talk to me, and said we would be doing a D&C. I made my wishes known to her about the fetus not just being discarded. She looked at me like I had two heads, but told me she would have a look through the tissue to try to find it.
After what was supposed to be a 10-minute procedure of removing all pregnancy tissue from my uterus, I awoke in a dark room. Josh was there, and my mom. I glanced at a clock and it was after 1am. I was in a LOT of pain, and my mouth and throat had never been so dry in my life. I could barely breathe because my tongue was just a solid mass in my mouth. I desperately needed water, but my squeaks and pleas were ignored. They did at one point tell me I could not have any water for fear of me vomiting. And why the hell was I in so much pain?! I didn't remember my D&C hurting so much the first time. Through my fog, I realized the nurses had also been asking to check "my incision". After that registered in my brain, I was furious! How dare this OB go in through my c-section scar again! There was absolutely no need for her to do that with a routine D&C. I now have had it opened three times, and if there was any hope of me ever having a natural birth again - she pretty much just shot it down to zero. I was livid. Josh and my mom had gone, they said something about relieving the neighbour who was at home with the girls. It's all kind of a blur to me. I remember waking up about every half an hour through the rest of the night, begging for pain relief and something to quench my parched throat and mouth. As the night dragged on, the nurses eventually let me have some ice chips, so long as I ate them slowly. I was being given morphine every hour, but it was not holding my pain that long, and I was extremely uncomfortable by the time I could have another dose.

In the morning Josh came in to visit me and to have our briefing with the surgeon. This is her tale of what happened:
        We began what was only supposed to be a 10-minute procedure, but as we were vacuuming the tissue out of the uterus, we pulled loose a piece of placenta and your blood pressure dropped and your heart rate suddenly went through the roof. We then spent the next five hours trying to figure out where you were bleeding from and how we could stop it. We checked if we had somehow perhaps poked a hole in your previous incision, but after checking that and still finding nothing, we thought opening you up through the incision to have a better look and try to find where the bleeding was coming from was the best choice. However, at this point, you were losing a lot of blood, and your blood pressure was fatally low - we ended up giving you all of the donor O negative reserves we had here. We had police rush extra blood from the hospital in the next city over, and also from a hospital in a city about three hours from here. You took 8 units of blood (and the anesthetist said he was pretty sure I lost all of my own blood - so the entirety of the blood in my body right now is other people's. Thanks people. :) Plus, when all was said and done, I had been given over 12L of saline.) The general surgeon and I had to stop the surgery several times and just manually hold your arteries closed while the anesthetist gave you more blood. After checking over every inch of your uterus, we finally determined that the source of bleeding was coming from somewhere near your cervix - below where the main arteries come into the uterus, below the previous incision, etc. So, the only choice we had was to do a hysterectomy.

- "Wait, what??? Are you serious???" I began to cry, and glanced at Josh, who was crying too. -

I was honestly worried you would otherwise die, and I didn't want to leave your two beautiful girls at home without a mother. We had come out of surgery at a few points to update Josh, as clearly it was taking much longer than expected. Finally around 1am we finished up. I'm so sorry.

I didn't even know what to make of all this. I was so angry and confused. I am only 27 - I was not done with my uterus yet! How the hell am I barren??? Now I can never carry another child. How dare she do this to me, and without my consent!! I felt so violated. Some random stranger, who I was not even comfortable with had just gone into my body and taken one of my most precious organs. How did this even happen?? Who even knew the risk of miscarriage could end so badly?! I suppose in the grand scheme of things, not waking up at all and leaving my children motherless would be the worse option. The surgeon did mention that she left my Fallopian tubes and ovaries, so I still have all of my eggs, and if we really wanted another child that surrogacy would be an option.

I am now being monitored in the ICU (though doing much better). I did end up receiving a ninth unit of donor blood yesterday because my hemoglobin was still quite low.
Everything is still so surreal right now, and I'm still hoping I wake from this terrible dream.*sob*

Rachel: 7 months

Christmas Bee - 7 months!

     Most notably we have struggled a lot this month with feeding Rachel. At her 6 month well baby check up (which wasn't until she was more like 6.5 months) she had only gained about a pound since her 4 month check up. This was the confirming factor for my suspicion that she wasn't getting enough breastmilk anymore, and so we have been having to supplement her for the past few weeks. It has been a rough, rough road. I am not a bottle feeding mom. I cracked bottles, burnt myself, sprayed formula all over the kitchen several times, and generally just sucked at getting the hang of it. If people say there is a learning curve with breastfeeding, I can honestly say there is an equally challenging one for learning to bottle feed! (At least for me!) However, I think we are on the upswing now. She has generally been having two 4-ounce bottles a day, to top up what she isn't getting in breastmilk, as well as a small bowl of something mid-morning and then again at bedtime, with a few little bites here and there of what we are eating in between. For now, Baby Led Weaning is kind of on hold because we are having enough trouble making sure she is getting the right proportion of nutrients. I also saw a naturopath the other day to help me with my supply issues, so we have a few more ideas to try now.
     On a happier note, Rachel is still developing at a great rate. She rolls both ways, can sit up (though still a bit wobbly), and is mobile enough that you have to be more careful where you leave her now! (ie. not the couch, because she can fall off of there.) :/ She is also practicing her 'crawling stance', and is able to push herself around with her feet while on her back. She is babbling so much now, and often says 'mum mum mum' - so cute! She has also really taken off with the whole fine(r) motor skills thing - she lunges and grabs at stuff, plays with and examines things, and throws things off the table now - she has really developed an interest for involving herself with what we are doing!
She has also developed a fondness for the dogs - whenever she catches sight of them they both get big smiles. She likes to rip out handfuls of Chester's hair (or anyone else's, for that matter) whenever she can get a hold of it. Luckily for her, he is the sweetest dog ever and rarely even flinches. <3
Sleeping habits have improved since we have been topping her up. She will usually sleep until at least 3AM now, sometimes longer, and then usually gets up once again before morning. So, not great, but definitely an improvement over the 1.5 hourly wake-ups we were having when she was so hungry. I also just this past week put away most of the rest of the 3-6 month clothes.That's probably about it. :)

Gingerbread Weekend

     So this weekend we embarked on our gingerbread journey once again. (Here are previous years' creations if you care to have a peek.)
     After discussing with Laura, we decided on a ginger bridge this year. I'm not sure if she meant that, or if she was just mispronouncing gingerbread, but either way, I credit her with the idea this year. :)

Girls helping with the dough :)

Decorating the cookies, too.

and our Ginger Bridge!

A bridge to nowhere. And a Rachel photobomb ;)

The finished product. Yes there is a toothpick holding it up. It was standing by itself, but the weight of the candies must have made it fall apart.... whatever.

Sleep

     We're having a lot of issues in our family these days. Sleep, or lack there of, is one of them.

     As I mentioned in my last post, Rachel has been nursing around the clock for the last few weeks due to my milk supply bottoming out. Before I realized this is what was happening, she would literally be up every hour or so throughout the night. There is only so long a person can do that without going crazy, and she wasn't getting a good sleep, either, which worries me about when her poor little brain will have time to develop. So, we were all fairly tired and miserable. Over the last week, we have been trying to introduce formula to her, much to everyone's chagrin (mainly hers and mine). It is especially important to get it into her at night because by the end of the day I'm empty, she needs to have a full tummy before bed, and I need the night to replenish. Unfortunately, as with most breastfed babies, she takes great comfort in nursing, and that is how she needs to fall asleep. And so, we end up having these epic battles of trying to get her to take the formula when all she wants to do is nurse to sleep. We tried the lactation aid/ feeding tube, and it worked a few times, but she is old and wise enough now to realize when someone is inserting a piece of rubber tubing into her mouth while she is trying to nurse, and generally has come to freak out whenever we try that. And don't even think about trying to give her a bottle instead. We have had her take a bottle a few times, but never as a substitute for nursing to sleep. So, the last few nights I have been attempting to get some formula into her via a spoon. She is quite into 'big people food', so I thought this might be our best bet. Of course, it doesn't help with the fact that she hates the taste of formula (and rightly so), but I have been mixing in a couple of teaspoons of baby oatmeal cereal to hopefully help improve the taste, and for now it has been working. She can nurse what little I have left afterwards - long enough to comfort and relax her, and then she has been sleeping for 5 or 6 hours after!

     The problem now is Laura. Laura is at a point where she seldom naps anymore. She still needs one about once a week, but when she does nap, she ends up staying up so late! And then the next day is just horrible again. She has been sleeping in her big girl bed about 50% of the time now, but about a month ago or so she figured out an acrobatic, yet reliable way of safely escaping her crib. And shortly after that, she figured out how to open her bedroom door. So there was no containing her. Subsequently, even if we put her to bed at a reasonable time, she plays in her room, getting in and out of her bed(s), and can even climb up on the dresser to turn on the light, negating all efforts we have put forth to relax her and get her ready to sleep. Last night was the worst. We put her to bed shortly after 7:00, and she continued to horse around in there for almost three hours! By the time I was getting ready for bed, she was still puttering around in there. And by puttering, I mean climbing on various furniture, being too tired to be careful, falling off and hurting herself, and sending herself into several fits of hysteria. And let's be honest, I have no patience for that kind of nonsense at 10:00 at night. I had just finally got Rachel down around 9:30, and really wanted to cash in on my six hours of consecutive sleep - not deal with a hysterically overtired toddler who doesn't know what's good for her. Sigh. She ended up getting herself so worked up at one point she vomitted a little. She has also had a bit of a cold/ runny nose, so Josh thought some Tylenol would help settle her. And it did, though this is obviously not something we can rely on consistently.

Any advice on our sleeping dilemma(s) is much appreciated!

I was thinking maybe a large dog crate for Laura? People do that, right? ;)

Mom Fail

     This week has been crazy and stressful, here. As fate would have it, now that Rachel has started on solids, my milk supply has plummeted. *sob* It has taken a few weeks for us to piece together why she has grown increasingly fussy over the last little while, but it is now clear that she is probably hungry. That's right, folks, I have been letting my baby go hungry. FAIL.
     Her wets and dirties still seem to be on par for normal at this age, and she is still producing tears, so she is not dehydrated. I have noticed, however, a significant decrease in the volume of her wetting as compared to a few weeks back, and when I try to pump, well, we'll just say I can only get a pitiful amount. This, coupled with her constant fussiness/ demand for nursing, finally clued me in.
     We have spoken with several professionals this week, including our family doctor and a lactation consultant, and the consensus is that we will have to supplement. Probably via a lactation aid (feeding tube thing) because she is not into bottles. Le sigh.
     She went for her 6 month check up today (a bit late, I know, but doc was on vacay) and my suspicions were confirmed: she has only gained one pound in the last two months, which is sub par.
     Wednesday night I went to the store to buy formula, fighting back the tears. (This may seem like an overreaction to most people, but you probably wouldn't understand unless you have experienced the amazing bond that nature creates through breastfeeding.) It's not just about nutrition, there are so many more perks that both she and I will not be fully benefiting from now. I already have my guilt about other things that Rachel will have to endure, and having to wean before she is ready/ supplement with formula (something I did not have to do for Laura) is only majorly compounding these feelings right now. Sorry about the emo, it's how I roll as a mom.
Also, I don't have the first clue as to how to bottle feed a baby. I have already burnt myself, cracked a bottle, and sprayed formula all over the kitchen - all in the span of about five minutes. I'm not cut out for this.

PS - It's not that formula is that bad, it's just that breastfeeding is that good.

PPS - just got a free feeding tube from the obstetrical ward at the hospital tonight and tried it out. Worked like a charm, so far. Fingers crossed it continues!
She likes to nurse to sleep now, but by the end of the day there is no milk left, so being able to supplement in this way right before bed is really helpful.

Laura-isms

A collection of funnies from the last year or so:

19/11/12
Was just playing with Laura and she demanded that I help her with something. I said, "Pardon? Where are your manners?" to which she replied, "In here." *points in her mouth*

16/11/12
This morning Laura was calling for Daddy to come and get her up, but he was having a shower, so I went in. When I went in she acknowledged that I was not Daddy, and I explained that he was in the shower. She said, "Oh, Daddy's having a shower? You don't shower." Sigh. Nope.

2/11/12  Laura just mooned me. On purpose.

27/10/12  "I don't like Chester. I have no patience for him." - Laura
Oi.

3/10/12
Thoroughly enjoys when toddlers misuse words. This morning after Josh said goodbye to Laura, she told me that, "Daddy has a prickly beast on his face." And followed that with, "We are going to Grandma's house to see everybody and be thankful for food."
Apparently 'beast' doubles for beard AND feast.

7/09/12
speaking about a unicorn Laura found at Grandma's house...

L: This horsey has an ice cream cone!!
Me: *laughs* That's not an ice cream cone, it's a horn.
L: Oh, yes. Beep beep beep!!

5/09/12

took Laura and Rachel to the doctor's today, where Laura promptly announced that the picture on the wall (of the female reproductive system) "looks kinda like a pinchy crab!"

21/08/12 

Was helping Laura eat her dinner of spaghetti and salad (made of baby spinach). I offered her a bit of salad, she looked at it and said emphatically, "I don't eat leaves!!"

17/07/12

We went out for dinner tonight (because it is too hot to even THINK of cooking in our house) and a woman with curly red hair came into the restaurant.
Laura yells, "Look! A Brave princess!!"

16/07/12
Today Laura was checking out all the stickers Josh has on his guitar case and pointed to the Rage Against the Machine one saying, "Look! A star!" proceeding to sing Twinkle Twinkle...
yep, something like that.

11/07/12

while putting Laura down for a nap this afternoon, reading Dr. Seuss' "The Shapes of Me and Other Stuff"
Me: *pointing to the shape of a lamp on one of the pages* What's this one?
Laura: I unno
Me: a lamp?
Laura: A lamp! *sings "Mary had a little lamp"*

3/07/12

Laura is currently playing doctor and pumping a bulb syringe in my belly button claiming she can hear my heart.

20/06/12

as I was changing Laura's diaper this morning:
Me: "Laura, when are you going to start pooping on the potty? Mommy doesn't like changing poopy diapers."
Laura: "Mommy, stop whining."

13/06/12

according to Laura my children's names are "Babyou" and "Baby Sister" 26/05/12  This morning while driving around we heard some birds chirping. Me: Chirp chirp chirp - did you hear that Laura? What makes that noise? L: I unno Me: a bird? L: No. Me: No? Not a bird? A dog? L: No. A dragon.

07/05/12

""Mommy! Fuzzy leg!" ... thanks, Kid.

01/05/12

For Josh's birthday: "Birthday cake to you" - Laura ♥

01/04/12

Josh is currently vacuuming, and I'm pretty sure Laura thinks its called The Loud Noise. She keeps trying to comfort Willow, and all her stuffed animals, "You scared too?" and then gives them a kiss. ♥ ♥ ♥ 31/03/12 Laura is currently chasing Chester around with a ribbon saying, "Pretty dress?" ... "Awww cute" 13/03/12  Laura just asked her baby if she needs to "Change a bum?" "Yes? Okay, let's go!" and proceeded to take her by the hand towards the stairs. Apparently the baby was 'walking' too slow for Laura's liking, because then she exclaimed, "Come ONNN!" 16/02/12 [At Disney World] Josh's favourite part of today: "Where you goin, Pooh? [You did not have my authorization to leave!]" - Laura, after Pooh came to see us at breakfast. :) 27/01/12 just told Laura that the baby was kicking mommy, and she came over and offered to kick it back... :S 17/01/12 Laura has the DVD case for Alice in Wonderland and keeps pointing things out on it asking me, "What's that?", and so I answer her. She points to the Cheshire Cat and says, "Cat!", and I say, "Right! That's the Cheshire Cat - can you say 'Cheshire'?" ... she follows by walking over to Chester, pats him, and says, "Cat!" ♥ 29/12/11  Me: Laura, did you hear the baby today? What does the baby say? Laura: HONK HONK ... ok then 22/12/11  Laura just picked up a video casette case (from our camcorder) and put her to ear: "Hello? Hi Santa!" ♥ ♥ ♥ 06/12/11 Laura (for the second day in a row) is refusing to nap, so I finally went and let her out of her room and said, "Mommy is grumpy because you aren't having a nap." Then she proceeded to go and get 'Grumpy Bird' off the shelf and brought it over for me to read.... lol

Rachel: 6 Months

(A little Christmasy, but we had Christmas photos done today)

Rachel is 6 months old today - That's half a year already! So we had a "halfy birthday" cake in her honour. Mostly because I wanted to eat cake. ;)

A little concerned that her cake was on fire!

Accomplishments this month include:

She has started using her voice more this past month and actually responds with sounds that mimic conversational intonations.

We started solid foods. I wasn't going to start her on rice cereal because of the white out effect, but since she seemed to spit up everything else that we gave her, I caved and tried it because rice is gentle on tummies. It was fortified organic brown rice cereal, if that makes any of you feel better. ;) And she didn't really like it, anyway. I also tried pureed salmon with her. She did not like that, either. She would not open her mouth for anything coming at her on a spoon, and if I tricked her into opening it, she would generally just spit it all back out. She is much more interested in what we are eating, and since that is a lot easier for me, we ran with it. I also read a book on Baby Led Weaning that advocated letting Baby try things off your plate, so that is what we have been doing.

We are still battling sleep issues. She spent most of last month congested with a stuffed up nose. It led for some very lonnnng nights. For about two weeks I was getting up with her more than once an hour because she would get completely blocked and not be able to breathe. Poor girl, she was so exhausted. And so was I. We had some luck with a baby saline spray, but eventually the effectiveness wore off. I guess our house is dry now that it's all shut up for winter, even though it has been raining outside nonstop all month. After the saline stopped working, we resorted to the humidifier. It seems to be doing the trick now. We could use a couple more, though, one for each bedroom? Her newest charming sleep habit is that she will no longer soothe herself to sleep, and must be nursed into a doze. I can't move her once she is in the doze, so she has been sleeping in our bed with us for the last week or so. And still waking several times a night. At least she is right there, though, and not across the hallway. Tonight we are trying her back in her bed again. I don't sleep well with her in our bed.


She has stopped making strange as much, which is much nicer for Grandmas and relatives who are keen to love on her.

She has also come to her senses and stopped preferring her sister over her mother. ;) Mostly she just blinks and winces whenever Laura is within arm's reach anymore.